Sorting Through

Life has such interesting opportunities. All are teachers I think. I strive to discern the lesson each moment comes to bring.

The ultimate goal, for me at least, is spiritual awakening. I am in pretty good shape in prayer, meditation, understanding spiritual principles, reading and discerning. I'm not there yet, as they say, but I am on my way.

Of course, there are others who think their spiritual understanding is superior to mine and might even attack me. But I know what I know. I am confident in my understanding and spiritual relationship with Christ, God and the heavenly hosts. So, I can see what other people present and know that it is where they are, but I am somewhere else. I know what I know. The veil has parted often enough that I am confident in my spiritual understanding.

Sorting through the outer stuff of life and mining the lessons there seems to be my challenge. When I think I see through some outer thing or the other, that upsets someone who thinks they have done the same but came to a different conclusion and their conclusion is right and mine wrong. It is fascinating. Sometimes it is hurtful. The dynamic of attack when someone reaches a different conclusion rather than the persuasion of a better argument confuses me.

As I write our nation is in the throws of a Presidential election. Some dear people are on both sides of it all. Some get angry when they are disagreed with. Some throw personal attacks at the candidates on the other side and on those friends who are on the other side. I find it fascinating. In my view we ought to be on the side of America. We ought to explore to find the facts rather than throw slogans. We ought to want to know the truth rather than protect our points of view. The old, let the chips fall where they may, saying might do us well. What if we are gutterly, emotionally attached to this or that person who is running and blind ourselves to reality that might change our attachment if known? Do we dare as a people to drop our biases? Do we dare to look truth squarely in the eye? I truly hope so.

In the meantime, I must learn the lessons especially from people I care about who so strongly disagree with me they attack me rather than argue the point. I think part of my lesson is to not take it personally. An angry person who fights unfairly via attack rather than debates via valid argument is just exhibiting their consciousness in general. I need to be an observer and not a reactor.

I need to love passionate people, even when they are not nice passionate people. Jesus told us to love unconditionally. That is my marching order so to speak. Hence, the lesson returns to the common mission of all on earth, to the final question we will be asked, "Did you learn how to love?"

Dear, dear Lord, help me to love as You have called us to love - unconditionally, fully, without reserve.

What's Up in August?

It's been awhile since I've written. Lots going on though.

I've been reading Teilhard de Chardin, Cynthia Bourgeault, and others - clarifying, deepening, praying and also writing on my new book - "What On Earth Is Going On?"

We had our 25th anniversary with little fanfare as my husband had some serious health challenges. Hard to believe it's been that long.

Busy at church with assisting, pastoral care and Prayers and Squares. I am so thankful we found St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Menifee, CA.

Still President of the Quilt Guild and very busy with that. I absolutely love to sew and quilt. I adore fabric. It is an outlet for creativity that feeds my soul. I'm learning to do the quilting myself and getting a bit better at it. I really like that aspect of quilting. It adds another layer of art to the quilt and makes it more my own expression when I do all the layers. I've also begun a series of whimsical quilts. I've completed 4 whimsical quilts at this writing.

Speaking of nourishing my soul, I love the idea in Teilhard that not only the bread of communion, but also all that nourishes the soul is divine, is Christ's own. Something deep in me truly resonates to his thinking on the Cosmic Christ. I also like Matthew Fox's thinking on this.

The grieving is getting bearable most days. I think I've turned the corner of releasing my beloved son and grandchildren to God's care and keeping. I pray for them almost daily as well as for the rest of my family. I am still bewildered over it all and cannot fathom the why of it or the divine of it. Maybe someday all will be clear. In the meantime I have to trust God's working in all of our lives.

I am concerned about the election this year. I am deeply worried about the future of our way of life. I hope people start thinking clearly, checking things out, verifying what is said, etc.

Lord, I come to You this day seeking Your clarity. Guide my understanding. Lead me to walk in Your path as You would have me walk. As I come closer and closer to the end of this earthly journey, lead me to do all You sent me here to do so that I may answer a resounding "Yes" when I come fully to Your Light.

Today is Independence Day

I awoke with this scripture speaking itself to me this morning - "This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" 


I am so thankful. No tears this morning. Instead, a message.


This is the 2nd anniversary of the last time I was with my son and grandchildren, the 3 from him. It was such a happy time. We loved and laughed and hugged and enjoyed. We sewed. We did tourist things. We ate. We met his fiancee. We watched fireworks. We were a family.


I have grieved for 2 years, deep agony grief. The 15th of July, 2 years ago, he called and informed us he never wanted anything to do with us again. He divorced his mother! A year ago they disappeared.


I tried to find them. I was concerned. I agonized. I worried. I prayed. I cried rivers of tears. I hurt in deep, deep ways. Betrayal, false accusations, cruelty, paranoia, bizarre, incomprehensible, confusing -- not enough words to describe it. I don't get it????


Nothing worked to ease the pain. A hole in my heart, missing them oh so much. I prayed, yes I prayed. I asked others to pray. 


Then this morning, Independence Day, July 4th, I awoke with the scripture saying itself to me. No tears. Scripture. "This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" 


Thank You, Lord, for You heard my prayer and spoke to me. I rejoice for the gift of another day. 

That Good Ole 20/20 Hindsight

Yesterday I woke up with the realization that there have been big swatches of my life that I've been not as aware as I might have been. Being busy with this and that (mostly service and creativity) I've missed some big clues that might have helped me and others I care about avoid some pitfalls, some even huge stumbling pits. Or maybe we needed the pitfalls to learn what we need to learn. Maybe they cannot really be changed.

I realize that in many ways I've been naive. I've trusted where it was not warranted. I've given slack where I should not have. I've excused behaviors that I should have seen as patterns of mental problems. I've been patient way too much. I've allowed too much.

I see suddenly that what I decided was a personality thing, an individuality thing, in someone incredibly special to me, is more likely to have been a pattern of mental illness - obsessive, paranoid, narcissistic, hypochondriac, a raging storm within him from the very beginning. I loved/love this person, but I think maybe I failed him. The signs were there. They set up and became prominent as life progressed.

There are some dilemmas. On odd days I wonder about how it could have been different. How do I love fully, unconditionally and not be naive? Is tough love actually love? Could I really have changed the course of life anyway? Am I my parents'/son's/daughter's/husband's/friend's/etc. keeper? When I leave here, am I accountable for myself and my own responses only or also for all others who came into my life? Is the observer, non-attached position the only way to extricate oneself from the drama? Are the tears I've wept futile?

I want very much to live as God intended. Sometimes it all seems as if a puzzle. In trying to be the most loving, kind, caring, spiritual, creative person I can be and give the gifts instilled in me, is that enough? I think of Carl Jung saying if your love does not engender love back, it is impotent.

What do I do about the mean, the cruel, the mentally disturbed, the arrogant, the fanatics that cross my path either briefly or in the form of family? I pray for them, sure. Sometimes they go away, sometimes I go away eventually. Sometimes they stay around for a long time. In the short or long term, I don't seem all that effective in helping them. They remain as they were. They have on occasion turned on me, sometimes viciously and for no actual reason. I find myself bewildered by this. I cannot change others, okay. But if I love sufficiently, can't I change their responses and model for them another way which they will want to find for themselves?

It seems to me, for example, I've had more than my share of mentally disturbed people come into my life. Of course, maybe we're all a bit tilted, but I mean way off center people. I am sure there are many lessons here, and since it doesn't seem to stop, I guess I've not learned the lesson too well.

Maybe this all leads back to the book I'm working on - "What On Earth Is Going On?" So I just muse today with questions long asked and not well answered over history.

As my dear, dear friend in Russia says so often, "Life Continues."

Oh God, open my eyes to see what I am to do. Open my ears to fully hear Your Guidance. Open my heart to love as You call me to love. I am here; I am willing; lead me Lord. What on earth IS going on?

My Spirituality is Quiet

My relationship with God, with Christ is a quiet, personal, intimate, precious, treasured relationship. Our communion together informs my life, leads me, guides me. focuses me. If you watch how I live, the choices I make, the way I treat others, how I spend my time, what I read, etc., hopefully you can see the visible part of my relationship with God. But you cannot see my relationship. It cannot fit it into words. It is in a deep secret place in the temple at the center of my being. It is not for PR. It is the richness of oneness that is far too precious, treasured & intimate to be cast about willy nilly.

I am suspect of those who loudly speak their faith, especially those who think they are the only ones who are right. The show of faith, the theatrics, they ring false.

Jesus said to go into the closet to pray & didn't much care for the hypocrites who publicly & with fanfare did their prayers.

There is a humility in knowing & living from the deep well of actual communion. It is not to be shouted & pridefully displayed; it is not of or for ego. It is to be quietly lived, the example being an irresistible magnet to others who are drawn to the light & joy & love & kindness emanating from a heart actually attuned to God.

It is not furthered by entertainment with drums & guitar, but is rather pushed down by the loud, spectacular, entertainment based "churches." It is not the outer dance at all. It is quietly living & being one with God. It is Brother Lawrence, the humble brother whose enlightened life drew people to him from far & wide. It is Jacob Boehme,the cobbler who knew God & great princes came from all over to sit & listen to him. It is Hildegard von Bingen whose deep communion with God drew so many to her & draws us today as we read her words or hear her music. Those who hear & see & experience Reality, are humble. They do not seek power, fame or wealth of the world. They do not feed the ego. The simply live as they are guided. Maybe there is some such one unnoticed nearby. Maybe there is such a one inside of you, waiting to be set free.

Lord, I turn to You this moment. Show me the way to simply be with You, learn from You & live as You would have me live. I cast aside the ego & seek the genuine. I choose to be a spiritual adult, not needing distracting entertainment, only needing You. Help me live more quietly and humbly. Help me live kindly, lovingly. I ask this in Your name. Amen

Life Lessons from an Ole Grandma, Me

I feel led to share some ole grandma thoughts - some things I've learned over 72 years here on earth & I wish I'd known earlier. Maybe I can save you some detours.

• Jesus said that it is not what we put into our mouths (what we eat) the defiles us, it is what comes out (our words). One of the keys to a successful, fulfilling life is kindness. Speak kindly, act kindly, never do harm or hurt on purpose. My daddy said often "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Confucius said we would do well to act as the gracious host or hostess at all times.
• Everyone, yes everyone, is our teacher. Each comes into our lives so that we may learn something and become more awake, more spiritual, more what we are intended to be. 
• Observe rather than get emotional as much as possible. Once upset takes over, someone else is in control of you. The task is to stay in control of yourself.
• You are sort of an extra in the story of other people's lives and they are the star of their lives. Usually whatever is going on with them, it's not about you.
• People often get hurt because they say they trusted the other person who let them down. What most people mean is they expect other people to act, think and be like they do. Instead it is wise to just watch people and their patterns and trust they will be them. For example, if someone is always late, you can expect/trust they are likely to be late. It is useless and silly to take their patterns personally. This goes back to observe. Everyone has one or two major patterns and several secondary patterns. Observe what these are and expect/trust that is how they will be. It takes a huge amount of desire and effort to change a pattern, and for sure you cannot change some else's. 
• Which leads to this, do all the healing, thinking, praying you need to be the best person you can be. You are the one person you are in charge of, responsible for and ultimately accountable for.
• Love is the key. Jesus told us to love our neighbors (everyone) as ourselves (must love oneself) and to love God are the key to it all. Develop a loving attitude and way and you will find great happiness.
• But do know that as they say, "into each life some rain will fall." There will be challenges. It is a sort of soul school here. Observe and respond from the highest place within you. Don't let it all control you. 

I love you tons and tons and wish for you a marvelous life. But in the end, it really is up to you. Please think on the things I've shared.

It's A New Day

Yes, it's a new day. I awoke with some sense of release, relief and renewal.


I am ready to move on.


My turning point has been coaxed by a diverticulitis attack. I think it was partially brought on by the grieving I've been doing for almost 2 years. I am ready to let go and move on. Or maybe today I could say it feels more like the whole thing released itself. 


Some of my new day thoughts include:

• There are some things in life over which we have no control. Other people go off on their own tangential journeys. I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. I am doing well to learn my own lessons.
• In this case, one of the lessons of my life is that others do not have the right to abuse me. It was the norm for a long time. I just quietly went inside and dealt with it, for it was the way of life was for me. It is no longer my way of life. I withdraw permission from abusers to abuse me. All who have done so are jettisoned away from my life. I don't have to fight them, argue with them, convince them otherwise or allow them. They do not belong in my life any longer.
• The main person who has been in my life for a long period of time who has never abused me is my sweet husband. He is a great gift to me. He shows me so much.
• My peace of mind, my peace of life, my spiritual journey is not to be derailed by someone's off the rails choices.
• It is not appropriate to put off the rest of my life waiting for the return of others who are not coming, and if who did return, would bring more abuse. The healing required for abuse to be gone from their behaviors may take more than this lifetime. Sadly, some are filled with cruelty, paranoia, and anger. It is up to them and God and not to me to deal with that.
• Today has never before been lived. I will do my best to live it well. I will recall my "theme song" for my spiritual travels - Isaiah & the song "here I am Lord..."
• So:  Here am I, Lord. Is it I, Lord? 
  I have heard you calling in the night. 
  I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.