It seems that it is time to face my own mortality. Yes, I know that my soul is eternal. I also know we are given finite time on earth as who we are today.
It hit me in an interesting way. I was asked this week to be President of Riverside County for next year for a group of which I am a member and currently the chaplain. For the very first time in my life I declined primarily due to health issues. Up until now, I could choose to do whatever seemed right for me to do without considerations regarding my body. It would not have been long ago that I would have jumped at the chance. This time I had no choice. I am not able. I am honored to have been asked. I am sad that I really am not able.
I guess this has been creeping up on me. Fatigue has been growing. My ventricle is stiff so the lower chamber of my heart does not push out all of the blood. My back has to be carefully attended to. I have strange pains in my ribcage, and of course I am now 70.
So the question comes to me --- What can I do with the time left for me within the confines of physical issues?
It is very important to me that my new book, "Spiritual Ancestors Speak to Me Today," is almost ready to be translated and ready for at least one more workshop tour in Russia. In fact, some of it has been emailed and is being translated this moment, and I plan to have it all there by the end of this week. I truly want to be able to go at least one more time to share and to see my dear friends over there. After all, I've been going regularly beginning in 1991, so I have beloved friends with whom I have developed deeply loving and meaningful friendships. I pray my body will give me permission for at least one more trip there.
Perhaps I have more to write that I can leave behind for others to find and be lifted. I love to sew and quilt. Maybe some more spiritually oriented wall hangings need to be done. I love my family. Maybe I can spend more time with my children and grandchildren. I don't have much hope of spending significant time with my daughter and her children. But, I do have hope of spending more time with my son and his children. I'm not sure about my husband's children. They seem to be going their own way in a different direction. Although I love them very much, I doubt if I will be deeply involved with them.
The sorrow of my family is the distance between my daughter and her family. She and I talk on the phone for an hour or more regularly, but she doesn't want to come here or invite us there. She feels closer to her mate's family I guess. There are lots of them and lots of generations. It seems it's just more fun there. I don't know. I love them sooooo much. Sometimes I cry, but that of course does no good. I've told her how I feel, but nothing changes. So, I have to accept what is and go on.
I guess, if the opportunity opens, we'll probably move up to be closer to my son and his family. It makes a lot of sense.
So, it seems the time has come for me to work on my bucket list. What do I fervently want to do and am still able to do while I'm still on earth?
God, guide me to gracefully live out this last part of my earthly life. Lead me to do all I can do to leave a positive footprint before I go.