The Game of Life

 No matter the religion or denomination in which we are raised, our spirituality still comes through the first filter of our own life experience. 

—Richard Rohr 

And, I might add, how we interpret it; how we represent it to ourselves. In other words, our self-talk. 

This morning, I had a vision of the arc of my life, and one of my filters installed in me deeply early in my life. It has been a split underlying premise - one for others, one for my relationship with my self. It goes something like this - 1.) You are a bother; your feelings are irrelevant to me; you matter only insofar as you are useful to me. 2) I matter to me, I can keep going no matter what, God loves me. So, I didn't let the monsters of my life stop me. I kept on going, sometimes with great sorrow, but nevertheless, I kept on going.

The vision I saw this morning was very different from my usual visions. I saw a sort of video game or maybe a video pinball machine. Flippers sprang up to obstruct me, and I twisted and turned to avoid them or at least only get a minor hit. The flippers didn't care about me, they just did what flippers do. I happened to come upon them, and they sprang into action. I kept going past flipper after flipper. My path was a moving obstacle course.

Ever since birth, I have been under attack, so I somehow created an inner and outer strategy for my life. Another betrayer/attacker, veer to the side, keep going. Inside, I was comfortable with who I am, and I had a direct relationship with God to guide and sustain me.

So this whole thing with my deceased husband was the pièce de résistance, the attack/betrayal of monstrous proportions. Is it the final blow? Is this part of the game of my life complete? Maybe. I do hear the message, "The past is done," as in it's a wrap. 

It's been an interesting game, this life of mine. I've never understood boredom. I know it's all about developing my soul. I know I can only honestly answer the questions on the other side... Did I walk as I was called? Was I faithful? Was I able to be kind and tender no excuses? Did I love, forgive, show generosity? Not perfectly, but mostly, always striving that way. God knows my heart, but I know I have to answer the questions over there anyway.