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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Troubled Heart

I have taken a couple of steps backward in my spiritual growth. I do not like it. The falling down & backward times are painful, but instructive & helpful in the long run.

It is strange to me how anger can seemingly come out of nowhere & mobilize emotions, bypassing the critical faculties. It has been years since I have experienced the overwhelming anger that I felt this week. In some ways, I could defend the anger as it was at least partly justified. But spiritually I cannot defend it.

My model of how I should be as a spiritual being having a human experience does not include anger & rampant emotions. It may be that my goals are too lofty, not taking into account my humanness. Even Jesus cursed the fig tree & threw over tables of moneychangers. Nevertheless, it seems to me that when I am more spiritually aware, I am able to see things calmly & within a bigger context. I am able to not be judgmental & so can be helpful. I am able to be a positive influence on situations that arise in life. But, when I forget & get deeply troubled & then angry, I am no help at all, plus I take spiritually backward steps, fall down & have to regroup & go forward again. Additionally, I make the situation worse by the blinding effects of anger.

God forgive me & lead me forward to You. Guide me, heal me & the situation & others involved. Help me to learn & grow & be a more effective part of Your people. I am sorry I let you down God. I am extremely disappointed at so many levels. Please touch me with your Grace & give me the courage & strength to move forward once again. Thank you, God. I know You are always with me, even when I forget. I need to know Your Presence so much today. I surrender to You. Let it be so.

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