Yesterday I woke up with the realization that there have been big swatches of my life that I've been not as aware as I might have been. Being busy with this and that (mostly service and creativity) I've missed some big clues that might have helped me and others I care about avoid some pitfalls, some even huge stumbling pits. Or maybe we needed the pitfalls to learn what we need to learn. Maybe they cannot really be changed.
I realize that in many ways I've been naive. I've trusted where it was not warranted. I've given slack where I should not have. I've excused behaviors that I should have seen as patterns of mental problems. I've been patient way too much. I've allowed too much.
I see suddenly that what I decided was a personality thing, an individuality thing, in someone incredibly special to me, is more likely to have been a pattern of mental illness - obsessive, paranoid, narcissistic, hypochondriac, a raging storm within him from the very beginning. I loved/love this person, but I think maybe I failed him. The signs were there. They set up and became prominent as life progressed.
There are some dilemmas. On odd days I wonder about how it could have been different. How do I love fully, unconditionally and not be naive? Is tough love actually love? Could I really have changed the course of life anyway? Am I my parents'/son's/daughter's/husband's/friend's/etc. keeper? When I leave here, am I accountable for myself and my own responses only or also for all others who came into my life? Is the observer, non-attached position the only way to extricate oneself from the drama? Are the tears I've wept futile?
I want very much to live as God intended. Sometimes it all seems as if a puzzle. In trying to be the most loving, kind, caring, spiritual, creative person I can be and give the gifts instilled in me, is that enough? I think of Carl Jung saying if your love does not engender love back, it is impotent.
What do I do about the mean, the cruel, the mentally disturbed, the arrogant, the fanatics that cross my path either briefly or in the form of family? I pray for them, sure. Sometimes they go away, sometimes I go away eventually. Sometimes they stay around for a long time. In the short or long term, I don't seem all that effective in helping them. They remain as they were. They have on occasion turned on me, sometimes viciously and for no actual reason. I find myself bewildered by this. I cannot change others, okay. But if I love sufficiently, can't I change their responses and model for them another way which they will want to find for themselves?
It seems to me, for example, I've had more than my share of mentally disturbed people come into my life. Of course, maybe we're all a bit tilted, but I mean way off center people. I am sure there are many lessons here, and since it doesn't seem to stop, I guess I've not learned the lesson too well.
Maybe this all leads back to the book I'm working on - "What On Earth Is Going On?" So I just muse today with questions long asked and not well answered over history.
As my dear, dear friend in Russia says so often, "Life Continues."
Oh God, open my eyes to see what I am to do. Open my ears to fully hear Your Guidance. Open my heart to love as You call me to love. I am here; I am willing; lead me Lord. What on earth IS going on?
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