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Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Preparatory Lessons, Spiritual Development and/or Child Abuse?

The past few days I've been rolling some personal thoughts over in my mind.

So here I am, over 3 years of frozen assets. I still function, participate and even lead. How do I do it?

It came to mind that I am somewhat used to not having my things because of my early life - and I ask myself what was the purpose long ago?

Examples: I came home from school one day and my treasured box of comic books, including "My Friend Irma" that had my name in it for designing the fashions for that month, gone. In panic I discovered mother as the culprit who simply told me "you're too old for comics, so I got rid of them." No discussion, no warning. Just gone. In maybe 4th grade, I came home from school to discover my beloved violin was gone. I loved it. Mother again the culprit, "You're tone deaf, you don't need it." No discussion, no warning, just gone. I could go on, but I think the pattern is clear.

Why? I have asked why so many times. So was this preparation for this time when I do still have my money and my belongings, but I cannot use them because they are wrongly frozen? It bears a strong resemblance to my childhood except they are not gone but out of my reach. Did those tearful and stressful days of my youth steel me for this present restriction? Or was it simply child abuse?

Or am I living the Book of Job and getting non-attachment, spiritual muscle development, faith and other spiritual lessons?

All I seem to be able to do is take a deep breath, pray, participate as much as I can and keep on going. Each week is supposed to be THE week all is set free to come to us, but it passes and the next week takes its turn to be THE week. Perhaps one week will actually be THE week, maybe even this week. In the meantime, I live.

Dear God, One and only Presence, the very Breath of my being, lead me onward. Help me be the person You call me to be. Lead me out of this valley of restriction into the arms of freedom. Lead me to use the freedom well to make a positive difference on this earth in the hearts and minds and lives of earth's inhabitants. Freedom, Lord, Freedom.

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