End of Year Reflections

It has been a year that seems both long and quick as I look back on it. Time is a strange thing. As Einstein said, all is relative to the reference point.

So in terms of my many years on earth, one year is not so much. Year 72 went faster than year 10 for example. 

In terms of my hopes and dreams, it was mostly a very, very long year. The dreams I began the year with have mostly not come to fruition - at least not yet. So I wait. Waiting seems slow. Not that I am not busy doing things, going places, being with people - no I'm not putting off my life. That part moves quickly, a fast paced life.

Oh, yes I've done so many things, quilted so many quilts, learned so many new skills, met many new friends, said and wrote so many prayers, seen some great movies, been busy with the quilt guild and the church and my home and family and hobbies. Yes, it has been a full year. 

The slow is the dreams, the hopes that still are not visible, that are either circling for a later entrance or are no longer coming. There are BIG dreams and tiny dreams and all things in between. 

My tinier dreams include new sewing toys, a redone kitchen, a closed in patio. My larger dreams include my husband's success and some material things like a bigger house and a new car. 

My big dreams include spiritual growth, finding others with spiritual depth for sharing and conversation and stretching. It seems that so few people are open to an Infinite God and just want to repeat what flat and uninspiring things some one or other said, usually someone who had no idea what they were saying or how congruent it was, etc. I long for a Meister Eckhart or Hildegard or Thomas Kelley kind of friend in my life. I long for the shared spiritual journey that I once had back in the day. So I have a couple of dear friends willing to engage in deep spiritual things, and I have hope for a larger circle. It seems God directs me elsewhere right now. Maybe in 2013.

And my big dreams include the healing of my son, the draining away of his rage and paranoia and his restoration to the loving child I once had the joy to have. I know it is possible. I know God can heal all. Yet, my prayers so far are either stillborn or in slow motion for it has been what seems like an eternity since I've heard him say "Hi Mom." The sound of his voice is fading in my memory. I can still feel the hugs of my grandchildren, but they grow dimmer. It has been over 2 1/2 years. I often hear the voice of my daughter saying he told her "I won't see Mom again until her funeral." I wonder why. I wonder what divine purpose there is in the depth of pain and grief I live with. It has been an excruciatingly slow year for this big dream.

God, I offer up my dreams to You for Your Will to be done in my life. Help me stay faithful as I move along this path for as long as You wish for me to be here. If it be Your Will, bring me understanding and peace.

Election Day and Beyond

Tuesday we vote in America. It is a turning point for us. On one hand we could go towards more socialism and government control, some even say toward communism. On the other hand, we could go toward our Constitution and our American way of life and values of freedom, success, individual worth and ability.

I confess, I care too much. I have been very emotional over it all. I have been close to people who have had other kinds of government than the kind we've had and heard the horror stories. I will weep with sorrow at the passing of our way of life if the election goes to the first group I mentioned above. I will dance with hope if the second group wins.

It has been made clear to me, that I need to spend more time apart from the gyrations of such things and turn my focus upon the creativity that surges in me and the spiritual path that has quickened my life and opened understanding. Of course, these two come together in my writings. So I will focus on "finishing" my new book, for one thing and also getting my previous books ready and up on Amazon ebooks and maybe other places.

I have a vision that a channel of light is opening for us and change is about to happen. I have a knowing of being untethered from what has been our usual life and people. The process has been going on for awhile, but only recently have I come to see its pattern and purpose.

Something has been unfolding in our life. I have resisted it. But my inner eyes were closed to it. In the past few weeks, I have been opened to see as I once saw. I no longer resist. God is leading us to the next phase of service in the Light. 

Perhaps I will share more soon. In the meantime, if you are reading this, I encourage you to open to let Spirit show you how what is going on in your life is part of something larger.

Great Spirit, Creator, Friend - I welcome what You show me, how You lead me. I trust You and follow where You lead. I am grateful for Your Presence in my life. You never give up on me. Thank You. I walk forward with Your Light.

Filling In the Blanks

I had some questions about the blank lines in my previous post. So I'll try to explain what I was/am thinking.

For me, knowing that I am in the last portion of this life, I want to focus mostly on things spiritual and things creative. I want to endeavor to waste as little time as possible. This means to me that I need to evaluate my choices in line with what I want to do with the rest of my life.

So, when I consider spending time doing this or that, I want to put it's name in the blanks and see if I get a majority answer one way or the other. For example, hmmmm shall I go to see a particular movie, or engage in a particular activity, or read a particular book, or watch a particular TV program, etc.? Put that choice in the blanks and see how they fare.

I put "Facebook" in the blanks and discovered that most time there is wasted. What is not wasted is getting to keep in touch with family and friends, getting uplifting ideas, finding gorgeous quilt ideas, etc. So I am limiting my time there to not over 1/2 hour a day.

By evaluating our usual activities, we can stop wasting so much time on things that do not lead us where we want to go. Of course, we all need "down time" and a bit of time wasting can be restorative, but just a little.

Time Management

It's hard to know how to spend the coin of my life, my time. As I accumulate seniority on this planet, I realize, that if you add it all up, I've likely spent years doing nonsense, nonproductive and useless things. I'm not talking about seemingly nothing from an outsider's view - meditation, contemplation, prayer, musing, etc. may look like nothing but are very much something. I'm thinking about too much television, upsets over triviality, estrangements, doing things I really really do not want to do, etc.

So here it is near the end of 2012!!! Wow!!! With dwindling time left to serve on earth, what can I do to waste a lot less of it. I think I might begin by asking myself questions. Fill in the blanks with the activity being considered.

1. Is this _________ something that makes my insides sing and dance and be filled with joy?
2. Is this _________ something I really, really, really want to do?
3. Is this __________ something that helps me be more spiritually awake?
4. Is this __________ something that is helpful, lifting, useful, meaningful, and positive?
5. Would I truthfully name this _______ a waste of my time?
6. Is this ________ in anyway tied to my life's purposes?
7. When I stand before the Divine, when my time here is over, will I be happy to present this _________ as something I gave the coin of my life for?

I am sure you can come up with more questions that speak to you. For me, for now, I came up with the number of completion, 7.

Now, do I have the courage to ask these of myself and then to fearlessly apply them to the remaining moments of my life? It remains to be seen, but I can begin and do my best and see what happens.

In the finite time I have left on earth, oh Divine Master, guide me to see clearly what it is that I spend the coin of my life upon and to choose wisely.

Where It's At Today

This week has been incredibly special for me. For years at major quilt shows, I find myself entranced by the ones by Sharon Schamber. For about 2 years we've had her booked to come to our guild, and this was the week.

Her trunk show at the meeting took our breath away. All of us gasped multiple times by the sheer magnificence of her work. And, many were taken aback by her humility and openness to share all she knows.

Then there were two days of classes. They were more than I had expected. On the first day she taught us her brilliant technique for doing curved seams. I LOVED it. But, the highlight was our spiritual connection and conversation. I treasure the knowing that I have made another deep spiritual friend. She said no wonder I felt attracted to her quilts. I came to understand that my connection to her quilts was the spiritual connection that we ignited in person.

On the second day, she taught us her technique for making feathers with tons of important tips on all sorts of quilting/sewing things. Our spiritual connection deepened. But, my husband was taken ill with a major bout of diverticulitis. He went to the doctor on his own, so all of us who have men in our life understand what a big deal that was. I was not able to be totally at the class as I was so concerned about him. I did learn a lot. He got antibiotics, tests and a follow up appointment with the admonition to go to emergency if he got worse.

I am not certain what happened, cosmically speaking, this week. but I have a strong notion that a turning point happened. I think something new is about to unfold.

Lord of the universes, Lord of the dimensions, Lord of all that is, was and shall be, lead me onward back to You. Unfold in me the secrets You placed to be opened at the time of ripeness. Clear my eyes to see the steps to take into the newness that has left a gentle whiff of itself. I walk forward in the full knowing that You walk every moment with me. Thank You!!!

A Note for My Grandchildren

My beloved grandchildren, I pray that one day you will find my blog and website and books and discover who your grandmother was. I leave a bit so that you can know something about someone who loves you with all of her heart. My DNA is in you, and so part of me lives on in you. The DNA of our ancestors is dancing in you too. It could be interesting to you to find out what influences are at work in you from your family that has gone before you.

It was a deeply painful day when you were taken from my life. It was over a misunderstanding, misinformation and decisions made on this lack of clarity. Even these years later. I can scarcely believe it happened. I hold no anger, for Christ taught us to forgive and to love. I know that such cruelty and rage come from someone who has some inner work to do, so I pray daily for your father. I miss you and weep often. I wonder how you are, where you are and if you think of me.

I pray you express the wondrous gifts that God has placed in you. I pray you have a fabulous life. I pray that joy and love and wisdom and peace walk with you.

If you find this little blog before I leave this life, I hope and pray you will find me and once again we can hug and talk and do loving and happy things together. If not, know that I have joined the cloud of witnesses watching over you. My love is with you always.

God bless you and keep you.
Grandma

Autumn So Many Ways

It is autumn at so many levels. The weather is about to cool. Leaves are about to become jaw-dropping colors. The pace of growth is about to slow, getting ready for the sleep of winter.

The rhythm of our planet is once again being true to itself. The seasons we number 4  rotate regularly into place. It is comforting to know the rhythm and not expect spring when it is autumn. We trust what is to follow. 

There is a rhythm in our lives too. I could say that I am in the autumn of this leg of my eternal life. I know God created me - you -everyone. I know we have eternal souls. Our bodies are like spacesuits our souls wear to navigate earth. Our bodies belong here and will stay here. They are carbon compounds. As they age, they begin to break down. They begin to slow down. My body surely is.

BUT, my soul is not slowing down. It is not subject to earth's rules. My soul quickens and jumps and dances with ever expanding understanding and at the same time ever expanding questions/quests. I feel excitement about what I know and know that I know and even more excitement about what I do not yet know. God, being Infinite in Nature, can never be known fully, for then God would be finite - containable into some sort of box or the other. Right around the corner, maybe today, is the next aha waiting for me. 

One of my main stated goals for this life is to go as far spiritually as I can. In the service of this goal, I have been led to many places, many people, many books, many churches, many ideas. I have sought, considered, discarded, accepted, been saddened by, been exhilarated by and so much more. The journey has not been boring. Sometimes perplexing, sometimes clear - but never boring. I am pretty sure that since this has been a life-long, up until now, pattern that it will continue until my winter of sleep comes, and I (my soul) leave this planet for God only knows what.

In the meantime, I will engage fully in the autumn and all it offers. I accept the gorgeous colors of a fading life and the enrichment to the core of me that comes in autumn time. 

Lord, I know You are here with me in the autumn of my earthly life, just as You have been through every moment of every season. Open my mind, my heart, my very depths to You in every way possible to a person on earth. Help me embrace the colors of my autumn. Help me come to understand what You bring to me to understand. Lead me where You would. Your Will be done now for every millisecond. I turn my life and this prayer over to You. Amen