Thought I Was A Gonner

What a fascinating week. For part of it, I thought it might be my last on earth. However, it appears the world is stuck with me for a while longer:)

It started with a cough, congestion and a Z Pack of antibiotics. Then on Thursday I had prickles all over my body and was itchy and miserable. On Friday morning when Gilbert awakened me, he said "What is the matter with your eye?!!" I went to the mirror and saw that my right eye was swollen and drooping. Could no longer see my eyelid.

Since I'd had complications from my cataract surgery on that eye, I called the eye doctor. I was told to come right away. At 9 o'clock he was examining my eye. He said my eyeball was fine and it was systemic. He told me to either go to my doctor or emergency.

I called our doctor and was told he was away until Monday, but another doctor was covering for him. They gave me his number and in less than 2 hours I was in his examining room. He told me he thought I had bell's palsy and prescribed a steroid and an anti-viral.

By bedtime the tingling itchiness was gone. Yea! Saturday I felt odd, really odd. At bedtime the right side of my face was swollen, I had difficulty swallowing and there was a column of pain in my head. Gilbert wanted to take me to emergency, but I was hesitant. Then as I lay in bed, I got concerned that I was going to die and he would never forgive himself for not forcing me to go to the hospital. So, we got up and went to the hospital. While there, my cheeks turned raspberry bright red, my blood pressure shot up to 173/100 and I felt worse and worse.

After a CT scan and examination, the ER doctor said no tumor, no stroke, etc. and he was pretty sure it was an extreme allergic reaction. He said to stop the anti-virals as they were making it worse and to add an anti-histamine and Tylenol. He offered me stronger pain pills, but I didn't want them - they make me nauseated and fuzzy headed. At 3:30 in the morning we left and drove home in surprisingly thick fog.

Yesterday I rested and read a lot. I was still shaky. The swelling went down and the pain lessened. I wonder what triggered this event??? The peanut butter candy I'd been sucking on maybe? Mold lingering somewhere left over from the flood we had in December? What?

This afternoon I see our doctor. Maybe he can sort it out. (PS - Saw our doctor and our doctor thinks it was a reaction to either the Z Pack I took for sore throat or to peanut butter. Either way, a new and a very extreme reaction to something that was okay for me in the past. Phoeey!)

During the entire time, I had a dialogue with God. It was interesting. While I didn't particularly want to die, I found I was at peace with the idea too. I was in an observer mode in a truly interesting way. I arrived fully and completely at "Thy Will be done." Peace, complete peace. Yes, the Highest and Best, God's Will in my life accepted with every fiber of my being, so all there could be was peace. And the corner turned, and there is more to do here.

Dear dear God, here I am. Lead me as You would into the rest of this earthly life so that I live as You would have me, doing what You would have me do. Thy Will be done today and forevermore.

Another Year!

Time flies, as "they" say. I can hardly believe that today I now rack up 73 years here on earth in this lifetime.

As Einstein said, all is relative to the reference point.

It was a moment ago that my son and grandchildren were here for Palm Sunday and my 70th birthday. Last Sunday I saw the image of Megan leading the procession with palms and a stab went into my heart. I shall never stop missing them and wondering.

It was forever ago that my loving husband came into my life. In fact, I can scarcely recall life without him.

Yesterday my wonderful daughter and one of my lovely granddaughters came to be with me, bring love, gifts and the gift of shared time. It was a special day for sure.

Today I am making hot cross buns for church and my husband is taking us out for lobster dinner. Life continues, as Evelina says (my soul sister in Russia).

Some of my fundamentalist friends may be shouting at the screen right now in response to my first sentence. Even in the Bible the idea of coming back is spoken of, including when Jesus asks his followers who they think he is and asks about historical guys. I don't know if we come back here or not when we "die," but I do know we go somewhere. I would guess where we goes depends on many things, including how well we did here in learning how to love and in doing good works and being a beneficial presence.

Recently I have become enamored with James the brother of Jesus and his 5 chapters in the Bible. I think these words contain some of the keys to living as we ought. I urge everyone to read and re-read the Book of James, think about the ideas and implement them at once.

Scholarship indicates that James and others at the time were focused on living in a holy way. There is spiritual malnutrition right now on our planet. Imagine what could happen if one by one we turned and focused upon living a holy life.

As year 74 begins, fill me with Your Light, wash away the shadows, and help me lead an ever more holy life. Help me let go of that which is not to be and accept what it is that is of the highest and best.

Holy Week

The week before Easter 2013. It is called "Holy Week" by Catholics, Episcopalians and others. I wonder how holy our week actually is.

The new Pope Francis impresses me. He seems to me to be a holy man, endeavoring to model a more Christlike way to be a Christian. The Dalai Lama seems to me to be a holy man, Buddhist holy man.

The news tells me there are tons of people who are making very unholy choices. Television shows, movies and music testify to less than holiness.

The world of religion seems to me to be often unholy with Muslims killing Jews and Christians and imprisoning those who are of another faith. There are Christians who attack everyone who is not part of their particular wing of Christianity. There are bombings and missiles aiming to murder and maim anyone in the way of a particular path.

The planet seems to have gone mad. 

My mind goes to ponder what can turn it around? Is it even possible for this to be a holy week or day or even hour planet-wide?

What can you and I do to live a holy week? Can we live it one hour at a time to start? Can we become alert to our own thoughts and acts and retrain ourselves to make holy choices? What would it take to move the idea into the visible?

Let's give it a try together.

Lord, on this unholy planet, we rise up and wish to live a holy life. Show us the way. Lift our awareness. Help us choose to think and act in an increasingly holy way. 

Falling Apart and Falling Together

It has been an interesting time. Seems like maybe things that have been falling apart are either falling together or just fading away.

Our car is beeping at us randomly as some sensor for the airbag is faulty, but would cost a huge amount of money to fix.

My beloved sewing machine stopped being able to read the embroidery module. We decided to get it fixed, but the circuit board needed takes weeks to get from Bernina. And I have some embroidery projects for our quiet day and for my maybe entry in the Hoffman Challenge that cannot wait weeks (the quiet day is April 20).

Pipe leaks created quite a mess, requiring new pipes and a new water heater. My husband's office flooded and his stuff has been all over the house while it dried out. The floor in there has been cold concrete with carpet around the edges as the carpet had to be cut out and thrown away.

Then my embroidery software messed up and wouldn't open, just looped over and over again through tips of how to do it. Frustrating. After 4 re-installs, I finally got it working.

Just a random sample of what it's been like, not to mention the on going drama of missing family members, church, and on and on.

Well, at this very moment our wonderful son-in-law is installing Spanish marble in the office! His company was cleaning out the warehouse and was going to throw it away. He asked for it and they said they didn't care as long as it was gone. It was about 200 sq feet of gorgeous marble.

A dear friend offered to loan me her embroidery machine to do my projects and the embroideries for the quiet day will be done in minutes. What a blessing.

The car is still beeping, but we have hope of a new car in our future. We'll see.

I keep dreaming my son comes to me with love in his heart and eyes. Just a dream I know, but maybe a peek into what is possible.

I just took homemade artisan bread out of the oven. Smells so good in here. I'll make sandwiches soon for everyone. I made a lemon cream cheese pie too. Want to treat our wonderful son-in-law well!!

Just maybe things are falling together - at long last.

Lord, I open my arms to Your work in our lives. Let the dance of life twirl into Divine Order. Let our lives fall together in wondrous ways.Lift the cloud and bring Your Light.

Fearless Life

In the past year a number of people have told me that I am fearless. My fearlessness seems to range from quilting to thinking, according to my observers. I have not thought of myself as fearless, rather committed to being the best I can be and to knowing the truth. My goals for my life that I have stated include: making a positive difference wherever I am, and going as far spiritually as I can in this lifetime. I suppose I am fearless in the quest of these two.

I was thinking about fearlessness in relation to sacred works such as the Bible. Recently there have been a series of shows on television from some people's Biblical point of view, supposedly representative of the scripture.

I have a problem with the shows. I was yelling at the television in just the first one. They added things, such as a conversation with Pharaoh's daughter telling Moses how he entered her family. They did not endeavor to explore any modern scholarship.

There is a group of people that think the Bible is literal in every sense. They deny scholarship, language, idioms, poetic license, editing over the ages and a huge number of other issues.

God is not delicate. We don't have to worry about upsetting Infinite Intelligence. God gave us   a portion of intelligence and so obviously expects us to use it. God wants us to know the truth.

Let's think about idioms for a moment, you know manner of speaking things. I'm in a pickle. Manny died on third base. It took forever to get to work today. If you take those statements literally, you will not understand the conversation. Just explore some of the idioms in the Bible and you will understand it better than if you take idioms literally. So one of the idioms was that pillar of salt meant a person had a stroke or heart attack (they didn't know the difference in the Bronze Age). Lot's wife, being so upset that she disobeyed had a heart attack and died on the spot. To me that is more meaningful than picturing a pillar of sodium chloride.

Jesus taught in parables. Psalms were poetic songs. Some of the stories predate the Bible and are woven from other older cultures. How can it all be literal? Yet it can all be deeply meaningful being what it actually is.

Archaeology and historical work have shown us some interesting things. For example, the Exodus was somewhere in the 1,300 to 1,200 b.c.e. time range. But the account was not written down until the 700's when the people were in Babylonian captivity. The boundaries of Egypt in the Exodus days included much of the Holy Land. The people 500 years later didn't know that and assumed the Egyptian borders were always where they were in the 700's. So if they were in Egypt and went to the Holy Land which was in Egypt, where did they go?

James the brother of Jesus was the person in the 1st century that guided the Jesus Movement. He was the one everyone went to in order to get clarification and direction. Paul was suspect as a Roman insider. Peter waffled. James who knew Jesus his entire life was the person people turned to. 

There is a lot of modern scholarship that is helpful in not destroying the Bible but in understanding it in the way that is more accurate and still deeply meaningful. There are fabulous books, programs. lecturers and magazines, the internet and more that can inform us and actually lead us to deeper faith than the simple, unthinking, silly literal position.

I am fearless in wanting to know the truth. I am fearless in the pursuit of excellence. I am fearless in working to make a difference. Join me. Be fearless with me. 

Perfect Love casts out all fear. Lord, fill me with Your perfect Love, casting out all remnants of fear in me. Lead me to live, hand in hand with You, fearlessly, vibrant, alive and fully engaged in the great spiritual quest upon which I have set my foot.

Pondering Courses of Action

Days come and days go. They add up to years. For me it is quite a few years. I cannot help but be aware that there are way less days ahead of me here on earth than are behind me. I cannot help but ponder the best and highest ways to spend them.

A post of Facebook today said something like, if you're not excited about ___, it's the wrong path. I am not sure that excitement is the key, maybe passionate about would fit better for me. Say I have 20 years left on earth (of course I have no idea of actual time, but just for discussion purposes). Or maybe a week, or a month, or 30 years, whatever it is, it is finite. I will not be here forever. Time is limited here.

The question I pose to myself revolves around ideas of how to spend the finite well and in tune with the Infinite.

If I am engaging in something that is boring, about which I have no passion, is that a waste of my finite resources of time? Or am I there to be of service to others? If I am not there for my own growth and nurturance, how far do I go into service before it gets self-defeating? If I have to grit my teeth to force myself to go to it, that is the opposite of exciting or passionate.

What speaks to my soul?  

• Genuine spiritual inquiry and the spiritual journey
• Creativity - writing, sewing, cooking, painting, etc.
• Family
• Friends of like mind
• Beauty
• Travel

If I could choose, how would I spend my time? I'd be speaking with people who are sincerely seeking God and spiritual understanding. I'd be reading things that enlighten. I'd be challenging myself and others with fearlessly seeking the Truth about all things spiritual from what happened in the 1st century to how God speaks to us today. I would have friends who are not afraid to question and seek and find.

I'd have a gorgeous studio for my arts with all of the toys that support me in the joy of creativity. I'd have a fabulous computer and my books would be selling well. I'd have a chef's kitchen and be able to cook to my heart's content and have the house full of interesting people in fascinating discussions eating my delicious food.

I'd have family running in and out and a vital part of my life. I'd get to create memories with my grandchildren that would nurture them long after I've left the planet.

Many people who are creators and seekers would fill my home frequently and we would have amazing conversations and discoveries. My home would be alive with the electricity of thought and love and truth.

I would be surrounded by beauty in all aspects of my life from my home to my arts to my clothes. Everything would reflect the glory of God.

Travel would be a regular part of my life. I would get to see and experiences the places and people I long to visit. I'd be able to check in with my friends on the other side of the planet and make new friends.

Basically, that would be the perfect last years of my life. 

God, You have brought me to face my dreams. Open the way for them to come into fruition. Lead me to be the person who has such a life. Flow into our lives the prosperity to make parts of it come true. Flow into our lives people who seek fearlessly and think clearly. I turn my final years on earth into Your capable Hands and ask for Your blessing upon my dreams.

Everyone's Family?

A friend put this on Facebook this morning. It made me wonder if that is everyone's family???

I have heard stories of my family members that I don't know personally, but I know enough personally to verify there have been some very tilted people. They may go back to the story of Adam and Eve who crazily disobeyed God and reaped the consequences. What were they thinking? So from the first story of humankind to now, it is a long line of people who disobeyed God and reaped the consequences. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results :) That is the story of humankind. Perhaps we are all a bit insane.

I know my maternal grandfather had quite a few problems, even though he had achieved a great deal of success. He seems to be the only one in my line that had alcohol problems. Glad that isn't hereditary, at least in my family. He really couldn't cope with the mess he made from marrying a crazy woman and trusting a dishonest business partner. Since he talked himself into not being willing or able to start over, he ended it all when mother was 7 and Aunt Eleanor was a baby. Obviously, I never knew him personally. I did know his crazy wife who tortured me for many years. I knew his two daughters very well and had extensive first hand experienced their tiltedness (mother and my aunt).

During the course of my life, I have had way over my share of certifiable crazy people in my inner circle. I have to say at least it has not been boring, scary at times, but never boring. You might not even believe the true stories I could tell. But I'm not going to tell them here.

Interestingly, most of them had redeeming characteristics in their craziness. My grandmother for example, who I'm certain was paranoid, narcissistic and maybe a borderline personality, and did dastardly things to me (and reportedly to her daughters and others), also had some good moments. Before we moved to California when I was 7, she told me charming stories of a land where ice cream came out of outside faucets, gave me Dinah Shore paper dolls and sang old time songs to me (Dearie do you remember... ) Her relationship with me went way downhill after she came to California after us, I think when I was 8. Lately, especially in the shower, I hear again some of those old songs. Interesting. 

So while I now can see her horrors laid upon me were her craziness, I can still recall a few sweet things and see that there was goodness at the center of her soul. It was shrouded with her craziness, but it did peek through at times. I can see that the "seed of God" was still there.

And with the crazy people carrying on her paranoid, narcissistic behaviors, I strive to remember that "the seed of God" is indeed under it all and strives to be set free and grow and expand and flower. When I get discouraged, I try to remember God is everywhere and therefore there is hope for us all.

Lord, I lift up to You all the craziness in my life and in the life of others. I ask for Your Light to ignite Your seed in each soul and to fan it with Your Grace so it grows and flowers and we each become what You intend for us to be. I have hope for I know You are with us. I ask for this last portion of my life to be lifted out of the craziness, for my loved ones to be lifted, for our world to awaken. All things are possible, for You are here.