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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

End of Year Reflections

It has been a year that seems both long and quick as I look back on it. Time is a strange thing. As Einstein said, all is relative to the reference point.

So in terms of my many years on earth, one year is not so much. Year 72 went faster than year 10 for example. 

In terms of my hopes and dreams, it was mostly a very, very long year. The dreams I began the year with have mostly not come to fruition - at least not yet. So I wait. Waiting seems slow. Not that I am not busy doing things, going places, being with people - no I'm not putting off my life. That part moves quickly, a fast paced life.

Oh, yes I've done so many things, quilted so many quilts, learned so many new skills, met many new friends, said and wrote so many prayers, seen some great movies, been busy with the quilt guild and the church and my home and family and hobbies. Yes, it has been a full year. 

The slow is the dreams, the hopes that still are not visible, that are either circling for a later entrance or are no longer coming. There are BIG dreams and tiny dreams and all things in between. 

My tinier dreams include new sewing toys, a redone kitchen, a closed in patio. My larger dreams include my husband's success and some material things like a bigger house and a new car. 

My big dreams include spiritual growth, finding others with spiritual depth for sharing and conversation and stretching. It seems that so few people are open to an Infinite God and just want to repeat what flat and uninspiring things some one or other said, usually someone who had no idea what they were saying or how congruent it was, etc. I long for a Meister Eckhart or Hildegard or Thomas Kelley kind of friend in my life. I long for the shared spiritual journey that I once had back in the day. So I have a couple of dear friends willing to engage in deep spiritual things, and I have hope for a larger circle. It seems God directs me elsewhere right now. Maybe in 2013.

And my big dreams include the healing of my son, the draining away of his rage and paranoia and his restoration to the loving child I once had the joy to have. I know it is possible. I know God can heal all. Yet, my prayers so far are either stillborn or in slow motion for it has been what seems like an eternity since I've heard him say "Hi Mom." The sound of his voice is fading in my memory. I can still feel the hugs of my grandchildren, but they grow dimmer. It has been over 2 1/2 years. I often hear the voice of my daughter saying he told her "I won't see Mom again until her funeral." I wonder why. I wonder what divine purpose there is in the depth of pain and grief I live with. It has been an excruciatingly slow year for this big dream.

God, I offer up my dreams to You for Your Will to be done in my life. Help me stay faithful as I move along this path for as long as You wish for me to be here. If it be Your Will, bring me understanding and peace.