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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Surprisingly Painful

3 of us drove a long way to see the much touted film, the current topic de'jour because of supposed hacking by the government the subject of the "comedy." We had seen people coming out of showings glowing with patriotism and smiling because it was funny.

There were a handful of funny moments. There were barrels full of cringing, disgusting, crude, ugly, horrid moments. It was like it was written and directed by prepubescent boys who had been raised on the streets.

Walking across the parking lot afterwards, I felt as if I had been assaulted. I had a weeping inside that our culture had sunk so low. I felt deeply offended, yes, but even more, I felt a deep pain for the thought that a significant segment of our people talk like this and think it funny, think the orgies, the promiscuity, the drugs, the potty jokes, etc are acceptable to see, do, talk about....

I thought about someone dear to me who casually spoke about the many sex partners she had, and was upset that I was old fashioned when I told her that so much casual sex can be inhibiting to intimacy, love, commitment not to mention open one up to the danger of diseases.

I realize I come from a different time. I also am a student of history and know the signs of the fall of civilizations. Our great experiment here in America has been inspired. I see far too little inspiration these days and far too much hedonism.

We are a long way from Ozzie and Harriet. Father no longer knows best.The values and days of my childhood are faint echoes now. I pray we can find a way to choose values in these "modern" days that are spiritually attuned and lead to beautiful places.

We can make any choice, and with each choice come consequences. What consequences do we wish?

Sunday, December 28, 2014


This morning in my meditation, my mind wandered. I heard an inner voice say "Can you not stay with me?" I was transported to the Garden so long ago when Jesus prayed and the disciples slept.  I saw how a similar dynamic happens when we go to God but let our minds wander.

I ask myself - can I not stay with God? Are the gymnastics of the mind more intriguing and important than God?

My meditations have not been as regular as they once were. For me, part of the morning experience is saying to return to regularity of quiet times and retraining of my mind to stay still.

God, I ask for freedom. Freedom from the constraints that appear to currently bind me/us. Freedom from physical, mental and spiritual things that have gone askance. Freedom to do the things You are inspiring in me even now. Lead me to the rest of my life that is free and glorifies You.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Ride the Wave

As I reflect upon my life and what I know of the lives of others, I see waves of ups and downs. A straight line is bad news for it indicates no life. Yet it seems we all decry the waves of our lives.

Today is Thanksgiving. I was thinking this morning of the many Thanksgivings of my life and how wildly varied they have been. Some were set in homes filled with relatives and great aromas. Some were more solitary. Some were filled with hope and some despair. Whatever they were, they were all different.

Today is not my favorite Thanksgiving. If you know me, you know a bit about that. But nevertheless, the day continues irrespective of my circumstances. Whatever it will be, next Thanksgiving will be different - so hope leads me onward.

I am thankful that God has given me the freedom to experience life on earth and learn and grow, to love and forgive, to hope and dream and to find an inner spiritual connection that guides me no matter what part of the wave I am experiencing.

It has been said that contrast, yin/yang, is what brings the pleasure of this experience. Without darkness, light has little or no meaning. It is the shadows that bring definition. None of us came here with a contract in our hand saying all would be smooth sailing with no waves.

Part of the reason we came here is to flex our spiritual muscles and surf life, ride the waves, always remembering who we really are.

God bless you, bless us all and lead us to fearlessly ride the waves of ths life.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


That wonderful inner voice is so rich with guidance, always available, and rarely obnoxious, so that one has to pay attention so as not to miss it.

Recently I thought I would try a small endeavor to teach and also make a little money. I felt a bit hesitant, but went ahead anyway with preparations. But, when it all come near the conclusion, the hassle was so great, that it was clearly out of harmony for me to proceed.

I am certain that if I had not heeded the second "sign", there would have been some very unhappy lessons ahead. I am thankful I have learned to listen at least some of the time.

As I have said many times, every negative thing in my life was proceeded by a warning that I ignored. I could always say "I knew I shouldn't have....."

My goal is to listen more carefully and be a good steward of the guidance given to me as such a precious gift. I wish to not need to say again "I knew I shouldn't have...."

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Happy Birthday Day at Several Levels

1)  Happy birthday dear son. I want you to know that your mom has loved you dearly from the moment of conception until forever. I wish that you focus your life on the good, on the joys, on the uplifting memories and let the darker ones roll off of you. Don't let life get to you so that you forget who you are and what your life is about. Stay in the light. I send you tender hugs and kisses of a lifetime - remember them and how much you are loved.

2) My friend and mother of my dear, dear friend passed from earth today at the tender age of 100! As the physicist says, she has withdrawn her consciousness from the substance and matter of earth and now has entered the immense realm of all possibility. She is birthed into the next expression of life, and I am sure is having a glorious experience.

Currently I am reading "The Physics of the Soul," and am extremely fascinated! He says he can prove many of the tenets of major religions. So far, only 20% into it, and I am eager to read on. It's a bit heavy on science, but fortunately I have a bit of science background so can follow along, at least well enough to get the sense of his points.

This is a grand and glorious universe. What a thrill to be alive in it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Psi Thoughts

I have just read Dr. Eben Alexander's books, "Proof of Heaven" and "Map of Heaven" which led me to a book by one of my old teachers, Lawrence LeShan. They brought up thoughts of many of my extra-ordinary experiences.

Musing on these in the shower, the word "parabola" kept coming to me with insistence. So Iooked it up to review its meaning and to see if it brought any light on my current thoughts about my beyond ordinary moments.

Parabola - a curve, any point is an equal distance from a fixed point and a fixed straight line. Any ray parallel to the axis of symmetry gets refleted off the surface straight to the focus. To understand this more, go to and look at the great diagrams particularly the one called "Reflector."

Anyway, when I saw this diagram, I thought about my conscious awareness being the focus. Various streams coming from various awarenesses come to my focus. Usually the stream that the focus is aware of is the beta, the outer world, the common, the typical. But at other times, more rare streams come to my awareness at the focus. At those times I know things or see things or understand things without any apparent way.

So I'm thinking that perhaps the expandness I sometimes experience is always streaming toward my focus and some sort of shift in me allows it to come to my awareness. I can always know more, but I don't know how to turn it on or off.

I know that when I regularly meditate, it happens more often, not so much during meditation, but at some moment as I walk my life. I know when it holds a strong emotional trigger, it is more powerful and clear. I know I cannot force it to come, but allow it.

A small example happened 4 years ago. I had a sudden vision of my son walking past me. The scene was in black and white. In a monotone he said "Good-bye Mom."  At first I thought it was because he was on one of his tears of being angry at me and not talking with me. But my daughter called and told me his phone numbers were disconnected. We discovered he had sold his property and moved out of state at that time. I had no earthly way to know before that that he had picked up and left.

I could write a large number of personal examples, but don' want to get sidetracked here. I am exploring what on/or off the earth is going on??? Not  sure, but I am sure something amazing is going on all of the time.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Past is Present

Several mornings this week I have had the vision of a sort of funnel with all that has happened in my past contained therein, plus in a slightly distant and more faded way, all that has happened to my ancestors. All present in a certain way in my current life.

I have emphasized living in the here and now for many years, and that is a key to effectiveness and mental peace. Yet there they are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly of my journey, hovering overhead.

It seems to me that each is a thread or two in the fabric of who I am in this moment. Even more, they only have power to distort this moment if I allow them. They have had their moment. They have softened, hardened, kneaded, and in many ways affected my 2014 me, back in the day when they were actually present and in my life. Today they are in my life as past influences, or if I invite them in, once again, recycled influences.

I can invite someone, some memory, out of my "funnel" here and tie up lose ends, suffer again, dismiss, or simply observe. I can forgive and release. I can rejoice and celebrate. But what I cannot do is erase them from the fabric of my life. They have already been in my life and have already left a thread. I can redefine that thread, but I cannot rip it out.

In a less direct way, the threads of my ancestors live in me in either stories once told in my presence or in my DNA. In some ways I see I can restore the story of those who have gone before yet live in me by making the choices they didn't have the strength to make. Confusing? Okay, for example my mother's father commited suicide when she was 7. Things had gone sour in his once successful life, and apparently he turned to drink and then a gun. Things have gone sour in my life (as in most if not all lives) and I have not turned to drink and have chosen to hang in there. I don't know if the DNA is changed in its forward movement, but the stories told about me and my perserverance in the face of dire obstacles is a different one.

At least, I think we might consider what influences drift in and which we do or do not wish to play out in this here and now. Just because they once were, does not mean they have to continue to be active in our life.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

P.S re: non-attachment

On the road to non-attachment, there is loss. Loss requires grieving.

I have experienced a huge pile/piles of loss along the route of this life, and consequently spent some considerable time grieving.

In my imperfect state of non-attachment where I currently reside, there are moments of loss, remembering loss, and the wrenching pain of grief.

There is current loss, sometimes seemingly insurmountable. There is the lingering sorrow over the loss of my violin that sometimes peeks at me as well as other fleeting memories that haunt me from time to time. There are losses I define as big - loss of family, etc.

The state of non-attachment spoken of by spiritual greats, is probably not completely attainable in this life. Yet to realize that the energy focused on lost violins is energy not focused on God and thereby a distraction of life purpose, helps me to move through the grief more quickly and to let it, whatever the it is, go. The letting go takes multiple expressions depending on the degree of attachent. The joy I had in playing "Red River Valley" and other songs, coupled with the sense of betrayal, the powerlessness over any hope of recovering my beloved violin, create a complex situation that have made the release more difficult than otherwise might be so. Not to state this is a constant thing, but it does pop up from time to time and require working through once again.

Just in case you are getting ready to send me a violin, that's not it. The moment has passed, etched as a dip in my route. I cannot be in 3rd grade again and re-do it. There is no rewind on earth, except with television movies perhaps. It was a complex moment that I have not totally resolved. I only bring it up by way of example of how imperfect I am on the way to full non-attachment.

There are other, larger losses that haunt me of course. Some I come to peace over and they fade away, some reappear in my consciousness from time to time and require further work. I realize this releasing, this letting go and letting God, this trusting that all works together for good - this non-attachment process - it is imperative for my spiritual growth. Without it, every loss in my life lives on in me to stand between me and residing in God.


Upon reading some Meister Eckhart this morning, the thought has struck me that much of my life has been focused on teaching me non-attachment. I am not certain that all of it was intentional on the part of the "teacher" yet I am fairly certain they responded at some level to a general assignment to teach Marlene non-attachment for the benefit of spiritual understanding.

A few words from Eckhart: All God wants of you is for you to let go of yourself and creatures and let God be within you. The smallest creature image that takes shape in you is as big as God. Why? It deprives you of the whole of God. As soon as this image enters you, God with all His Godhead has to exit. But when the image exits, God enters... What harm can it do you to do God the favor of letting God be God in you? Let go of yourself for God's sake, and God will let go of Himself for your sake!. When these two have exited, what is left is one and simple. In this One the Father bears His Son in the innermost source.

Letting go of oneself, it seems to me, is fully non-attachment.

It began in my childhood. My mother cut my pacifier and told me President Roosevelt needed the rubber for the war effort. My precious box of comic books under my bed vanished because I was too old for them, mother insisted. My violin was gone, I was tone deaf she said. On and on it went. The things I loved were whisked away.

Things vanishing continued, but were added to by people vanishing or being banned. I wasn't to be around my father's people. I couldn't sit on my Dad's lap anymore. I couldn't play with her because her mother was divorced. I couldn't go to art school. I desperately tried to create a life that was under my control. But it didn't work. My husband died suddenly. My son turned away. My mother increased her attacks. Things and people were ripped from me.

I developed a sharpness of protection that sometimes lashed out. But, finally I began to see a larger scene, mystical writings spoke to me, and slowly it dawned on me that Paul was correct, "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purposes." I certainly was called, as anyone who knew me could see. I began to accept that everyone and everything was my teacher. Everyone and every thing came bearing a gift of awakening.

And eventually, I began to see that one of the big life lessons, at least for me, is non-attachment. These things, these people, these moments are not satiating my soul's hunger.My soul hungers for God. These things can either be there or not, either way they are not in charge of my peace of mind.

So here I am with almost everything stripped away. And, I am at peace. Perhaps things and people will be returned. Perhaps not. Perhaps my life is much simplier than I had thought I wanted. I strive to let God be God in me, to listen and follow.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Surviving Weariness

I have to admit, I am weary. This long, drawn out challenge that has thrust itself upon our lives is exhausting. Part of the exhaustion comes from the apparent fact that there is nothing I personally can do to end it. It lies in the hands of others - who do not seem to have us as their priority. I am a doer. I can do nothing. Ewwwww - so upsetting.

So, my strategy has been to immerse myself in creativity. I am drawing with Prismacolor pencils and Inktense pencils on cloth, thread painting and quilting them, and entering a whole new expression of my creativity. My drawing is improving through all of this.

There are whispers that this tangled web will be untangling starting this week. Oh how I hope so! I do know that I shall continue this drawing spree after our freedom finally arrives.

So here are some samples.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Only God's

This morning I lay in bed not quite asleep not quite awake. I was suddenly filled with this insight - You do not belong to any manmade system for you are God's alone!

A light filled my heart and mind. I am God's alone - only God's - accountable to God - from God - returning to God - to do God's work - my life is God's.

Suddenly life seemed simplier. No human rules that supercede God. Only listen and follow. Only check out choices with Godliness. Do my best to live as God's own. Give up trying to satisfy systems made up by humans - that impossible task of living up to others' contradictory rules and controls. What others think of me is not relevant. What God thinks of me is what matters, for I am God's own.

And, you are God's own too.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

My Doctor Asked Me a Question

Yesterday a doctor giving me some medical tests at UCI asked me if I thought religion was made up by humans. I heard myself say that the Divine was not but the approaches to the Divine were made by humans.

This morning I awoke with thoughts along this string of thought. I was thinking of what we know of the life and teachings of Jesus. He once boiled down the whole thing to love, unconditional love - not erotic love or conditional love. It has come to be known as the great commandments. He taught and modeled love, forgiveness, compassion, sincerity for all. He spent a great deal of time with the lowest of society and treated them as children of God and he was impatient with the religious leaders and was suspect of the powers of the day, even having at least one zealot in his entourage.

He got bent out of shape by the money changers in the temple. Basically, as I understand it,  the original idea of being thankful for all that God had given by giving a portion to God's work had morphed into buying exorbitantly priced supposedly pure animals to give to the priests to slaughter. They then cooked them and ate them. This and other hypocrisies upset Jesus.

All of this leads me to the thought that the original inspiration of at least some of which later gets incorporated into religions as "official" was once a brilliant flash of insight from God. Then later folks who do not have the direct understanding and flash of insight layer rules and gyrations upon the insight until it can barely peek out from under the pile.

Perhaps religion began its journey as direct revelation, but could not keep that status because few people understood from experience, so made stuff up.

So now, this great teacher of Love, love for self, for neighbor and for God, unconditional love - the key to it all - the fulfillment of the law and the prophet - has morphed into someone murdered by God and upon whose blood one must believe and glory in in order to be saved from that very God who wants to burn you forever in fire. Love has been betrayed. Jesus has been understood by a few mystics throughout history, but greatly misunderstood by the majority.

Think of Constantine who decided it would unite his empire to have one religion and he chose Christianity. His mother was a believer so probably swayed him, but it was a calculated decision. He skewed it to his ends in many ways including which leaders were invited to the Council of Nicea and by which of the current scriptures were okayed and which burned. He changed the course of the Jesus Movement away from love and into political manipulation. It is said he did not get baptised until his deathbed, just in case.

There was the Inquisition which was about as far away from love as one can get, witch hunts of frenzied superstition, and various extremes one way or the other, none of which had anything whatsoever to do with the original brilliant understanding and teaching.

How do we dig through the pile that has been created over the centuries that obscures what is true and holy to discern what is really the teaching of any great and inspired person?

In the case of Jesus, I start with love, unconditional, agape love. I measure myself and my actions against this encompassing yardstick. I look with horror and sometimes amusement at people teaching the opposite in His name. I look back to my life and my responsibility to show up as best I can as unconditional love.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Thinking Out LOUD

A string is cut.

Perhaps it comes from months down the rabbit hole where nothing makes sense. Perhaps it is new level of non-attachment that somehow navigated itself to my experience. Whatever caused it, wherever it came from, a string has definitely been cut.

I realized a long time ago that the theory this is all a hologram has some rational arguments in its favor. I read "The Holographic Universe" and was fascinated. I had some phone conversations with the author and invited him to be the keynote at a spiritual conference. He was excited to come, but weeks before the event, he passed on from the scourge known as AIDS.

It seems that the past is really a hologram. It only lives here and now when I dredge up pictures of what once was. The immediacy of now only seems to be invaded by the past - I am the producer of the holographic pictures of what once was or what I thought once was. I can make the pictures seem almost real, but they are not. They are not happening now. My conjured up pictures do interfere with what is in the present. The more engaged I am with them, the less available I am for the new.

My holographic movie of the past occupies me with thoughts and emotions as if the events are actually repeating themselves. And I am then not doing my life mission to love unconditionally and to be a beneficial presence - for those things can only be done in the here and now.

But then, what if it all is a hologram? Think of Emerson's oversoul. Perhaps the essence of me is an oversoul that is orchestrating, maybe even playing, by projecting this hologram of "me" to earth. I realize that nothing real can be harmed and nothing unreal can be saved, maybe this is because the temporary nature of earth is based in its status of being a hologram. The eternal, the spiritual is what is real.

A string has definitely been cut. Now I observe and continue my pondering.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

A New Day

I am incredibly grateful for new days. No matter how bizarre yesterday was, today is a new day. It has never been lived before. I get to come to it with all the creativity and vigor of my soul and make it the best day I can.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Paying It Back - Gratitude

This week the prayer on my website is about gratitude for the gift of life and all that includes. I am thinking a lot about gratitude today, triggered partially by the quote from Matthew Fox's book, "Creativity" that I read early this morning and put on my website a few minutes ago.

We have come to realize that all this glory of which we are a part - time and space, light and dark, creation and its fourteen-billion-year history, earth and its wonders, nature and its magnificent imagination and artistry, our own species and its accomplishments for good and ill, our families, our loved ones, and lovers - is a gift. A gift implies a Gift-giver.
--- Matthew Fox, "Creativity"

However, I was thinking about this yesterday too in that I was thinking about how grateful I am for friendship that steps up and truly offers help. I was thinking about the safety net of friendship that overrides the throes of attacks from the powers that be. And I was thinking about others who may not have friends such as ours and so have no net when the valleys of life overtake.

Once we get to the other side of our current challenge, we want to do meaningful and helpful things for others. One that I am working on clarifying is how to help others caught in a strange valley without seemingly much help. I ask myself: how do I find those who have no net and are trying so hard to get out; how do I help them without offending them; can I set up a grant program; what God could I do to repay what our friend has done for us by doing so for others?

Oh how grateful I am. How blessed I am. Lead me to be an avenue of blessing to others. Inspire in me ideas that make a difference. Lead me to find the way to pay back what has been given to us by helping others.

Thursday, August 21, 2014


Happy birthday dear daddy. In 1907 you entered life on earth. In 1999, you exited. 

Thank you for all you taught me by your example of integrity, patience, and humor.

Until we meet again,
Your daughter sends her love through the dimensions


It occurred to me this morning, as I listened to the news "out of the corner of my ear," that there are a great number of people NOT learning how to love unconditionally and NOT fulfilling their divine purpose for coming to earth. Sadly, they will have to say "No" when faced with the final questions upon leaving behind this life.

It appears to me that increasing numbers of people are wandering around earth with no thinking skills developed. They simply respond to situations as they are told to respond, absolving themselves of responsibility because, after all some "important" person told them to act in such a way.

We watched a PBS show this week that explored the mentality of pre-WWII Japanese. Men still living reported that they would do anything for the Emperor - kill, rape, torture or whatever was asked or implied. Today Islamic terrorists are beheading, raping, killing and torturing in the manner of the 7th century because someone has riled them up and told them it is god's will. People are marching in streets, burning and stealing, pillaging as if they were Roman soldiers of 2,000 years ago, all because someone told them partial stories and turned them loose, vindicated to destroy because "leaders" told them it was acceptable. I am sure I don't need to go on. There are hundreds of examples right this very minute.

There is a missing component. Critical thinking skills are absent. Logic is non-existent. Let's say we agree that God is Love - and so, we as His/Her children are to be as loving as we possibly can. But someone tells us that it is loving to destroy people who don't agree with our beliefs, and we just say, "oh, okay, let's kill." A thinking person might say instead, "Wait a minute. If God is Love and wants us to love too, in what way could this actually be called love? Maybe this person is mistaken or even has ulterior motives."

So often, what people in mass are led to do has nothing whatsoever to do with Truth. It usually has to do with the leaders' power struggle, control dramas, greed, lust, distorted understanding or some such.

In order for us to be able to "graduate" earth, we somehow, someway have to find a way to THINK and act in accordance with High Spiritual Truths and turn away from the emotions incited by people who want to control us to their ends.

Lord, I am here before You this day asking for Guidance and Wisdom. Teach me to think clearly and understand in the way You would have me understand. Set me free from the forces of darkness and lead me into Your Light.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Making A Different Choice

This morning I awoke with thoughts about how life might have been if I had done things differently, made different choices, moved to different places, and on an on. I have come to understand that most people have moments like that too.

The "answer" that came to me follows.

Life is in many ways a school for the soul, tailormade to assist the spiritual core of each person to develop, awaken and rise up to be all it can be. Around each bend in the path is another special lesson, just what is needed.

So, even with a different choice, the lesson would be there clothed differently, but the same in essence. The locale could have been different, the characters in the story could have different names and faces, but the basic story would be the same or very similar. We are to learn what we need to learn. Just as in 10th grade we are to study world history, there are certain requirements for us who have come to earth. We have some similarites in our lessons, as we are all asked to learn how to love. And we have some unique lessons for each of us. We can observe the patterns of our life's lessons and begin to discern what it is that we are to learn and master while here.

We are to make the highest decisions that we possibly can, coming from a place of gratitude for the gift of this life and for the opportunity to be here on earth and develop spiritually. As we do, we refine our journey and eventually can awaken to spiritual realms and the true mystical nature of all that is.

If we make sloppy, lazy, out of tune decisions, our bends in the path become more frequent and the lessons harsher. We become tone deaf to the celestial music and blind to the obvious guidance shouting at us. It is harder for the spiritual core to respond because the shell becomes hardened by the lack of respect for what this life journey truly is

We do not have to be perfect. Just do our best. Be sincere. Be grateful. Shine our lights to the best of our abilities. From this position, we do receive the music and the guidance.

When we finally leave here, we can graduate. We can say "Yes, I did what I came to earth to do, and I learned how to LOVE, unconditionall Love."

Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Wound Heals - That's the Nature of Wounds

From "Creativity" by Matthew Fox
Otto Rank said: In man, identification aims at re-establishing a lost identity: Not an identity which was lost once and for all, ... but an identity with the cosmic process, which has to be surrounded and continuously re-established in the course of self-development. Rank calls this loss of cosmic union and "original wound," and I believe this term is far more accurate than the "original sin" term that certain theological traditions have oversold to us. We inherit a wound, not a sin. We do sin; we inherit wounds... The Christ story is a story of the wound being healed... If creativity is of our origin and if evolution is continuous, then creativity is of our original nature, and when we give birth to the Buddha nature just as, in the Christian story, we give birth to the Christ when we give birth. Here we tap into the Spirit that desires to co-create with us. Thus the "original wound" is healed once and for all.

It seems to me the topic of wounding is coming up regularly recently in various things I read, from Richard Rohr to Matthew Fox. I was intrigued to read Rohr's ideas about how failing/falling leads to springing upward ever higher and more consciously. I am thrilled to read Fox's thoughts on creativity, being a life-long lover of creativity. 

The thought of the original wound brings new clarity to the human situation in many ways. Eckhart's seed breaking open has long spoken to me. To grow, expand, express and become what is encoded within, the wound must open the shell. The assumption is also that deep wounds, dealt with, open the way for more meaningful contributions and inspired creativity.

The reason the shell must be wounded is that the creative gift each brings to earth must come out and be given. God has given us life, and our gift in return is to give the creative gift we came to express.

I know that I am most happy when I am engrossed, indeed lost, in some creative endeavor, be it quilting, sewing, painting, writing, cooking, etc. I feel the flow of something greater as something new comes through me to form as a quilt or a book or a brand new recipe or some other thing. I did not intend it. It took on a life of its own. It came through me.

My humor says God must have sent me with a ton of gifts to give because with all the wounding I've experienced I am basically now a sieve. I sometimes cry out for the wounding to end, enough! But from my family of origin to the government, wounding has been an experience that stalks me and so far has not ended.

I ask what more am I to give? I come willing to the task. Show me, Lord. Open the path You would have me walk. But, could You please stop with the wounding?!! :)

Monday, August 4, 2014

I'm Back

It has been some time since I felt led to share here. My life has been in a strange stage of flux, some of it frozen and all of it downright odd.

As a person who has been effective at problem-solving, I find this new and (hopefully) temporary situation way outside of my wheelhouse. It is bigger than me, and seemingly beyond my reach. Since November of last year, nothing has been usual.

It seems bureaucracy rules in ways I had never imagined. The tentacles of reach are astounding. Once something enters the world of bureaucracy, even if illegally thrown into it, the unwinding of it is a maze beyond human comprehension.

Illegally targeted for illegal reasons, assured by the highest and best that this is so, yet the getting untangled seems nigh unto impossible.

I feel like Job in the Bible but in the nightmare of this modern era with its multitude of connections and secret links. Disillusionment comes at so many levels. What I believed about our government is gone. A retired person with no great wealth is not beneath their radar. Nothing is safe. I am not safe from their tentacles.

Lessons for my journey maybe: patience, overcoming of terror, rising up to be a warrior?

Today it occurs to me to cease the grieving of these months and to rise up to be a warrior. Warriors get knocked down, but get up. Warriors get wounded, but patch up and heal. Stiff upper lip and all that. They may appear at first glance to be bigger, but God is actually bigger - should I say Infinite!!!

I still don't know what to do. I do know that there is a way, somehow, and God knows what it is. 

Show me God the way out of the corner the world has placed around us. Melt the frozen good that wants to come to us as much as we want it to come. Lead us out of the valley to the table You have prepared for us.