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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Being Who I Am

It's a lazy Saturday. I've done some sewing, a bit of grocery shopping, some reading & a little walking. I'm about to clean out & reorganize my spice cupboard, maybe helpful in getting ready for the holidays. Once done, I'm going to make some pumpkin butter for gifts.

While walking gently today, many other thoughts drift in & out.

Much of my life I've had to walk gingerly, as if on egg shells. There have been an assortment of characters coming into the story of my life who require me to be someone else other than who I am. To be sure, I have always had others around who celebrated me as me, & fortunately they have been in the vast majority.

Who am I that inspires some people to require me to be someone else while others think I'm fine just as I am? Who am I that even brings out violence in word or deed in opposition to who I am? I've been considering this during the course of this week.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience, as Teilhard de Chardin once said. I like to play at the human part, but sometimes I take it too seriously, as if it were as real as the spiritual being that I am in the larger scheme of things. I guess, the times when I take the human part too seriously are the times I let myself get hurt.

For some people, I am too playful, too happy. My spontaneity & creativity can be very irritating to people who want/need control, organization & clear lines. Most think my creativity & spontaneity fabulous, while one person thinks I have impulse control issues. On the other hand, when I do get serious about some aspect of earthly life or the other, some people think I am too intense & are a bit intimidated by me. When I demand congruity of myself or others, I am out of line. When I am having a day of confusion, I am out of line. Some say I am the sanest person they know, while others find me confounding.

I have an underlying understanding that God is the ultimate, infinite, Alpha & Omega, while we humans are finite. So I question our human understandings, endeavoring to more closely approximate the "truth" not just agreements, habits, traditions, etc. that came from who knows who or where. Because of this incredible God, I know God is not threatened by my quest, my questions, my musings. God, being ALL intelligence, "wants" me to dive into the quest for knowing HIM/HER/IT without reserve, unhindered by what others have decided upon, as if Infinite could be fully known & decided upon. Seems strange to me.

I am eclectic. I am sincerely seeking, exploring, weighing, considering, wanting God.

So, of the 6 billion plus humans currently here on earth in the 3rd dimension, some will celebrate with me, some will attack. Some will demand me to be someone else. Some will be okay with who I am. Some will really "get it."

Whatever the future holds, I want to go fully into it. I have some unknown quantity of time left here for this life. I refuse to waste it on those who want me to be someone else. I have worked long & sometimes hard on healing the shadows of the past. Waking up spiritually is my main priority for the rest of my life. I may not do this in the confines of other people's rules about God, but I am clear that I am beholden to God only. Jesus, the New Testament & God brought me through my childhood & continue to guide me. They know more than some dusty person who wrote some convoluted theology, perhaps born of political expediency long ago.

I walk with renewed vigor into the quest.

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