I've not written for awhile. Life has been busy happening around me. I think I'm past the deepest pain of recent traumas and ready to move on, still with a twinge of pain in my heart though.
It seems to me that there are patterns or themes in a person's life that are possibly meant to strengthen the soul for its life's work. These themes have some commonality for all humans, but also are individualized for the person.
As I reflect particularly on some of my patterns/themes, I see that many of them have done their work. That is, they no longer seem to come up as themes to be dealt with. I've learned their lessons or have moved beyond them, or something. But there is one that keeps coming back and back and back ad nauseum.
For example, I once felt inadequate, unworthy and less than others. At some point that fell away, maybe it was resolved. Nowadays I think and feel that I am no better and no worse than the average person. I am unique and one of a kind because God made us each in a certain way, but the way and who of me is just me. It is not about comparison or competition.
The stickler of a theme I would cluster around the word "betrayal." It has stalked me from my earliest memories and remains yet today. There is the caution within that reserves a bit of me, for I do not know who or when will bring the betrayal. It has been a constant, with only slight moments of respite between events. Suddenly a person turns with vehemence and great energy and hatred and focuses on me. Of course, it was often members of my childhood family, who also continued their work until their passing. But there were almost strangers too. There was the man we didn't buy a car from, who became so hatefully obsessed with me, threatening me and other family members that we finally had to get a permanent federal restraining order put on him. It was a very strange time.
The details of the myriad of such events are not important enough to enumerate. However, it is the pattern that interests me. I have always looked for patterns in life, mine and also in the lives of those I've counseled over the years. So, this pattern is in my life. It must have a purpose for my soul's development, for I believe that Paul was right that "all things work together for good for those that are called..." I definitely have been called, loud and clear.
So what could possibly be the purpose of this lesson/theme? I don't know the full answer this day. Part is that God is the only reliable one in life. I am thinking also about the scripture that says something like, "man looks on the outer but God looks at the heart." God is looking at my real motives, my inner responses, my willingness to stay true to what I am called to be, and knows when I am not true. My allegiance has to be to God, no matter what or who is in my life.
But, I wonder why it still hurts so much when someone turns on me. I am still not able to rise above the emotional and physical pain I feel in such times. Should I not be getting stronger and more immune to the slings and arrows of others?
God, what do I need to learn, do, be in order to complete this lesson and become free of it? Please show me the way You would have me walk in these times, and in all times. I wish to be the person You envision that I could be. I listen Lord. Guide me.
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