I grew accustomed to having a clear and quick mind. I could remember large amounts of things in detail. I was a very good student. I was what they called bright, intelligent, IQ blessed.
The downside was I remembered most details of my life in complete mental and emotional terms. The agonies were present long after they came to torment me. Sometimes I suffered them as a backdrop to walking my life. There were some very dark things that happened, and they came with me in all of their glory. They walked side by side with some very lovely things that came along too.
Somehow, I either came with the ability or developed it early on to be an observer. I usually observed without totally being in the shifting scenes of my life. I observed those around me and strangers. I saw patterns. I learned to look and see in such a way as to know things that others seemed to miss.
Observing was practical. I could observe the patterns that were about to lead to violence and sometimes sidestep so that the blows missed or were lessened. Later in life the ability to see patterns was extremely helpful in ministerial counseling as well as life itself.
I learned to meditate, either in the late 60's or early 70's. Meditation helped me with peace and increased my ability to observe without judgment. I did extensive forgiveness work that definitely helped snap the the dark ties to what once was (see my forgiveness book on Amazon).
Now in my, what they call, elderly years an interesting pattern is emerging. The details of the past fade away. Names dissolve. Memories soften. It is easier to live in the present moment without walking with that which was. It's rather like a good pot of stew, the second day the flavors of all the herbs and spices blend and it is even more delicious, All the dark memories contribute depth in a sort of anonymous way. The light memories blend into the dance of this time of my life.
Senior moments remind me that the gift of old age includes the softening of long ago memories. I remember being brilliant, and I am now content with just a gentle glow. This time in life supports movement to deeper spiritual life without the distractions of what once was or seemed to be.
Thank you God for granting me a great memory in my youth, and thank You for softening it so that the dark memories rarely torment me in my old age. Lead me, Lord, to fully observe and take in the remaining days I have on earth in such a way as to bring me closer to You and walk in Oneness. Help me remember the words of Meister Eckhart:
God created all things in such a way that they are not outside of himself; as ignorant people falsely imagine. Rather, all creatures flow outward, but nonetheless remain within God. God created all things this way: not that they might stand outside of God, nor alongside God, nor beyond God, but that they might come into God and receive God and dwell in God. For this reason everything that is is bathed in God, is enveloped by God, who is round-about us all, enveloping us.