Time

The month is whirling by. The year is on hyperspeed. I have a theory about the relativity of time. Einstein said all is relative to the reference point. So here I am at 71 & so a day or a week are a small part of all of those years. When I was 5, a day or a week were a larger portion of those 5 years -- so they seemed longer then than they do now.

In the speeded up life I now live, each moment is even more precious & important to live well. It all goes by so quickly that I have to stay focused to be fully present so as not to miss the gift present in each moment.

I'd like to live the rest of my life without regrets -- I came to that conclusion quite a few years ago. But what I find is now the regrets I suffer are mostly from the actions of others. I have missed some precious moments as they whizzed by because of choices of others to be absent from my life. The heart ache is a different one from the one caused by more direct regrets, but it is still heart ache. The frustration inherent is different too. When the heart ache is from the choices of others, & there is nothing I can do, I feel a certain helplessness. 

Now helplessness is not usual for me. I usually can find something to do or say to move a situation. I am a doer by nature. I am not only an observer of life; I am a person who participates. When someone vanishes from my life, the helplessness is very strange & also very painful. I cannot do what I am good at. I cannot take action.

A significant part of my life has disappeared. They are gone to some unknown place doing some unknown things. They are out of my reach. I have done all I can think of doing, short of hiring a private eye. The only place they are not out of reach is my prayers.

If those who have gone, ever read this, please know I have never stopped loving you for a moment. You are constantly in my heart. The tears that fill my eyes are longings for you. The choice I have is to release you to God over & over again. There seems nothing more for me to do. 

I regret the memories we won't be making & haven't made this past year or so. I pray you are making other happy memories wherever you are.

Dear God, I am thankful to know that You are everywhere, always. You are where my loved ones are. Surround them with Your Light & Love. Protect them. Guide them. Heal them. If it is Your will, bring them back to me.

Children & Parents

This week-end I finished a book I call "my doctor's office book," as I usually keep it in the car to take in to read while I'm waiting. I got 2/3 or so through it & wanted very much to see what happened, so I brought it into the house.

Anyway, one of the thoughts shared in the book was that children are preoccupied & unaware often of what is going on in the lives of their parents, so their view of parents is from a limited perspective. They only know that something is out of whack & they're not getting all they want/need, etc. They make judgements from this vantage.

So, I think back to my conclusions about my own parents. In later life, learning some things about their childhoods, softened my hurts about what they did or didn't do to/for me. But I was not privy to their own personal struggles with each other, work, life in general, etc. I now suspect some things that were going on, but cannot be certain. My suspicions though help me release some hurts that were created in my heart by assuming I was not loved & wanted for the most part.

Then my thoughts turn to my own dear children. My love for them has never wavered. My ability to care at the highest level for them did waver at times due to the overwhelm of things happening in my life. Although, I always did the best I could in every moment, I did not do the best I could have if things would have been different for me. It seems to me that I have been given a huge portion of extreme life lessons to learn - at least more than most of the people I know. I often struggled to learn, failed, fell down, eventually picking myself up, learning & moving forward. In the throes of the agony of some of the times in my life, not all of me was available for others.

My children do not know what I was going through for the most part. To this day I've not shared most of the horrors. They have each made up their own version of who mother was/is from their own assumptions. I am such a different mother through the eyes of my son and my daughter. You'd think they did not have the same mother. It is very interesting. 

Now their children carry this on, not knowing the inner lives of their parents; assuming this & that & creating their own versions of their parents.

Under it all is the development of each soul. I believe we are sent to earth to learn certain lessons that are unique to this planet. Looking historically, we see the same lessons at all times & places -- learning to overcome the darkness & live in the light, forsaking fear for faith, hatred for love, etc. 

Perhaps the hurt is our resistance of the lesson. I don't want to go through this, God! I don't want this lesson! But learn we must.

Lord, I give thanks for each moment of this life, for the difficult times & the glorious times. I know that each moment leads me to soul-strength. Each challenge gives me the chance to flex & use my spiritual muscles. Each valley is an opportunity to walk in faith. Each person is my teacher & I theirs. I release resistance. I open to You, Lord. Open my eyes to Your Light in each step of my life. Help me to learn the lessons You set before me, & help me to look back over my life to see the purpose & value of each moment. Your will be done, always.

On the Cusp

I feel that right now I am on the cusp of something wonderful. Newness is in the air. The end of the valley is in sight. Hope is rising up.

I love life in times such as these, times that are so pregnant with possibility that good things are peeking at me. 

Valley walking seems to be a requirement in the curriculum on earth. We can walk the valleys with heads up, eyes open, lessons learned. We can also walk them dragging our feet, complaining, ignoring the lessons. Each way leads to different outcomes.

Lord, I give thanks for the vista I see. I give thanks for the goodness approaching. Help me be a good steward of Your gifts.

I Hear You

Sometimes I think I feel my loved ones cry out to me. Those who are far away are not far from my heart and love. There is a bond that connects us at some level that may be unknown, but is nonetheless real to me.

I feel the bittersweet double edge of love. My heart yearns for my grandchildren. Do I imagine they too yearn for me? Will I ever know?

I was thinking of Gibran's thought that our children are not our children, they come through us but not from us, etc. Sometimes I look in amazement that they came through me and have gone so far away. But they still live in the cradle of my heart, no matter what.

We all face challenges in our lives. We lose our heart's desire, we stumble & fall & pick ourselves up, we gain some, we learn a great deal if we're paying any attention at all & we develop our souls here on this little blue planet.

Lord, guide me please. Help me to keep loving without reserve. Help me to not be controlled by circumstances. Help me to be true to Your admonition to love without condition,  AGAPE.

Father's Day Thoughts

Today is the day we honor our fathers. I put a note on this on Facebook re: my father -- On Father's Day: My daddy went to his next life at the age of 93. He taught me some important things. One thing he used to say, "You can do anything you set your mind to." He was a quiet man & used to say "Still waters run deep." He blessed me in many ways. I still miss him. He left in Nov. of 1999 & dearly wanted to make it to the millennium. I wonder what he thought would happen. He never said. God bless you, Allen Roy Eakin.

Every person has some sort of memory of their father or even their lack of the presence of a father. In some ways, we are all changed by our father experience. A gentle father, a harsh father, an absent father - all ranges of father behavior - all teach us something. We learn how to behave or how not to behave. We learn how to please an authority figure & create our own ways to live our lives. In some cases we have to re-learn how to live later as we mature.

Whatever our fathers taught or didn't teach, we can thank them for they participated in shaping who we are today.

God, thank You for my father. In Your wisdom You chose for me the father most suited to what I needed to learn. Help me appreciate more fully the gifts he brought to my life.  Bless him wherever he is.

Pentacost Week-end

This week-end we commemorate the entrance of the Holy Spirit into our realm & our lives.

I am so thankful for the comfort, guidance & inspiration of the Holy Spirit over the course of my lifetime. I have been guided into grand adventures, amazing friendships, deep love, a deeper walk with God, books to write, ideas for things to create from dresses to classes & on & on. I have been accompanied & led through dark valleys & bright mountaintops.

One of the interesting things is that I notice that there are times, such as now, when I am both in a dark valley & a bright mountaintop. Today is one of my grandson's birthdays. The only contact I have is through the Holy Spirit. He turns 14. He probably is with lots of other boys who just graduated middle school. Maybe they are having a paintball day. I don't know.

Holy Spirit, whisper my love into my grandson's ear. Let him feel his grandma & grandpa's care & concern. Lift him in all areas of his life. Guide him to be all he can be. Help him to know he is not alone no matter where life may take him. If it is God's will, bring him & his sisters back to us. Take care of them please. 

Creativity

God is our Creator. We are said to be made in the image of God. For me at least, I feel that a huge part of my nature is creativity. In fact, I feel a NEED to create and have felt this all of my life.


I do not limit the areas of my creativity. I create in writing, sewing, quilting, designing, painting, cooking, speaking, etc. A day does not feel complete for me if I do not create something new, at least new to me.


I have come to believe that creativity is a call from my soul so that I express the energy of God through my life. Being creator in a small way, with a small "c", is an urge planted in our souls as an echo of our Creator. In many tiny ways our Creator expresses through us and our creativity - at least through the things we create that glorify God.


For some people, the urge to create gets perverted and they create mayhem and ugliness. What they create does not glorify God. It glorifies their ego and their ability to stray from God's magnificence.


So, I need to qualify the urge of creativity. Our call is to use it for good, to use it for God.

Dear God, oh how we need You. We need You in every area of our lives. As we look at our lives and at the world, we see that we all need You to guide our vast creative energy in a positive way, in a way that glorifies You. Heal in us any corner of darkness that desires creativity that leads away from You. Lead us to create in our individual lives and in the world only that which is reflective of Your Light and Love. We ask for Christ to lead us. We ask this in His name as we seal this with faith, Amen, Amen and Amen.

Pruning

I was thinking today about Jesus' thoughts on being the branches of his vine & also of pruning away what does not bear fruit. Everyone experiences things being pruned away in their lives - sometimes or maybe often in an unexpected & unwanted way.

So, what if our "losses," things pruned away, are actually non-fruit bearing & need to go? What if the pruning is actually good for us & our growth?

It's time to prune the roses again. Maybe the rose bushes don't like the pain of their branches being cut off. If rose bushes had egos, they might not like the barren look they have after pruning. They might pine away for the lush greenery & fragrant & colorful blossoms of last summer. They might not be able to see that the pruning means they will have more greenery & fragrant & colorful blossoms next summer.

What if we're kind of like that? What if we stopped mourning the pruning that happens & relax in faith to know that even more good is being prepared for us? What if we realized that even if we cannot see the next summer of our lives right now, it is made better/more fruitful because of the pruning away of the unfruitful now?

We often hold on to the status quo as if life depended on it. Yet, we want to experience more of God, more that life has to offer -- and that requires letting go of the unfruitful parts of us & of our lives. I wonder if we can celebrate the pruning more, trusting it makes way for greater good?

I am going to contemplate some of my recent pruning experience to try to understand it as unfruitfulness being cut away to make room for the fruitfulness of Spirit. The cut hurts, but the summer is coming.

Father, I am doing my best to embrace Your pruning in my life & to trust that, with the unfruitfulness gone, a way is made clear for an abundant summer. I want to live a life fruitful for you. Here I am Lord. I surrender to Your working in my life. In faith & trust, I seal this with the ancient seal of faith as I say Amen, Amen & Amen.

Patterns and Themes in Life

I've not written for awhile. Life has been busy happening around me. I think I'm past the deepest pain of recent traumas and ready to move on, still with a twinge of pain in my heart though.

It seems to me that there are patterns or themes in a person's life that are possibly meant to strengthen the soul for its life's work. These themes have some commonality for all humans, but also are individualized for the person.

As I reflect particularly on some of my patterns/themes, I see that many of them have done their work. That is, they no longer seem to come up as themes to be dealt with. I've learned their lessons or have moved beyond them, or something. But there is one that keeps coming back and back and back ad nauseum.

For example, I once felt inadequate, unworthy and less than others. At some point that fell away, maybe it was resolved. Nowadays I think and feel that I am no better and no worse than the average person. I am unique and one of a kind because God made us each in a certain way, but the way and who of me is just me. It is not about comparison or competition.

The stickler of a theme I would cluster around the word "betrayal." It has stalked me from my earliest memories and remains yet today. There is the caution within that reserves a bit of me, for I do not know who or when will bring the betrayal. It has been a constant, with only slight moments of respite between events. Suddenly a person turns with vehemence and great energy and hatred and focuses on me. Of course, it was often members of my childhood family, who also continued their work until their passing. But there were almost strangers too. There was the man we didn't buy a car from, who became so hatefully obsessed with me, threatening me and other family members that we finally had to get a permanent federal restraining order put on him. It was a very strange time.

The details of the myriad of such events are not important enough to enumerate. However, it is the pattern that interests me. I have always looked for patterns in life, mine and also in the lives of those I've counseled over the years. So, this pattern is in my life. It must have a purpose for my soul's development, for I believe that Paul was right that "all things work together for good for those that are called..." I definitely have been called, loud and clear.
So what could possibly be the purpose of this lesson/theme? I don't know the full answer this day. Part is that God is the only reliable one in life. I am thinking also about the scripture that says something like, "man looks on the outer but God looks at the heart." God is looking at my real motives, my inner responses, my willingness to stay true to what I am called to be, and knows when I am not true. My allegiance has to be to God, no matter what or who is in my life.
But, I wonder why it still hurts so much when someone turns on me. I am still not able to rise above the emotional and physical pain I feel in such times. Should I not be getting stronger and more immune to the slings and arrows of others?

God, what do I need to learn, do, be in order to complete this lesson and become free of it? Please show me the way You would have me walk in these times, and in all times. I wish to be the person You envision that I could be. I listen Lord. Guide me.

Long Time

It's been a long time since I wrote. I have been busy working on a book for my next Russia trip. Each time I go, I write a little book, send it for translation & printing, & then use it as my text for the seminars.

My soul sister in Russia wants me to focus on love. I got the idea to see what great spiritual people in the past said about it. I've picked 8 of them, 8 that influenced me a lot in my journey. I've invited some friends in my spiritual discussion group to make comments on the quotes on which they'd like to say something, then I'm leaving a space for the reader to make their comments. It's almost done. I think it will be useful and meaningful to people. Again the longing in my heart comes up wanting my writings to be also available in English. I hope & pray there is a door opening for that while I'm still here on earth.

In the meantime, I had a huge milestone. March 30th I turned 70! I can hardly believe it. I don't feel old (except for some aching bones & creaks & pains), but the number sounds so huge. My parents each lived to be 93, but the last few years of their lives were not ideal to say the least. I am happy to live as long as God wants me here. I hope I can do so without losing my memory, my ability to move about the planet, my money (what little I have) or my sense of humor.

It has become clear to me that I still have work to do here on earth. I am, however, not totally clear about the specifics. I do know that this book I'm working on is a part of it. I am pretty sure my next teaching trip to Russia is part of it. I walk through each door that opens, not usually knowing the next door. I know God guides me every day, every moment.

A dilemma my husband & I are wrestling with is - where do we live out the next part of our lives? He is not happy here with the weather & the air & growing crowding. He has had a vision of this area laid to waste. It is pretty clear that he really, really wants to move. I, on the other hand, have many friends & activities here that mean a lot to me. He likes the Central Coast where our oldest son & 3 of our grandchildren are. I like it too, but I'm not sure I have the energy to start over again --- new church, new doctor, new dentist, new friends, new quilt guild, new streets to learn, etc. I can do it, of course. I can muster up the energy & start over. So, am I just selfish resisting?

God, I ask for Your guidance about where to live out the rest of our lives. I am open, as always, to You.