That Good Ole 20/20 Hindsight

Yesterday I woke up with the realization that there have been big swatches of my life that I've been not as aware as I might have been. Being busy with this and that (mostly service and creativity) I've missed some big clues that might have helped me and others I care about avoid some pitfalls, some even huge stumbling pits. Or maybe we needed the pitfalls to learn what we need to learn. Maybe they cannot really be changed.

I realize that in many ways I've been naive. I've trusted where it was not warranted. I've given slack where I should not have. I've excused behaviors that I should have seen as patterns of mental problems. I've been patient way too much. I've allowed too much.

I see suddenly that what I decided was a personality thing, an individuality thing, in someone incredibly special to me, is more likely to have been a pattern of mental illness - obsessive, paranoid, narcissistic, hypochondriac, a raging storm within him from the very beginning. I loved/love this person, but I think maybe I failed him. The signs were there. They set up and became prominent as life progressed.

There are some dilemmas. On odd days I wonder about how it could have been different. How do I love fully, unconditionally and not be naive? Is tough love actually love? Could I really have changed the course of life anyway? Am I my parents'/son's/daughter's/husband's/friend's/etc. keeper? When I leave here, am I accountable for myself and my own responses only or also for all others who came into my life? Is the observer, non-attached position the only way to extricate oneself from the drama? Are the tears I've wept futile?

I want very much to live as God intended. Sometimes it all seems as if a puzzle. In trying to be the most loving, kind, caring, spiritual, creative person I can be and give the gifts instilled in me, is that enough? I think of Carl Jung saying if your love does not engender love back, it is impotent.

What do I do about the mean, the cruel, the mentally disturbed, the arrogant, the fanatics that cross my path either briefly or in the form of family? I pray for them, sure. Sometimes they go away, sometimes I go away eventually. Sometimes they stay around for a long time. In the short or long term, I don't seem all that effective in helping them. They remain as they were. They have on occasion turned on me, sometimes viciously and for no actual reason. I find myself bewildered by this. I cannot change others, okay. But if I love sufficiently, can't I change their responses and model for them another way which they will want to find for themselves?

It seems to me, for example, I've had more than my share of mentally disturbed people come into my life. Of course, maybe we're all a bit tilted, but I mean way off center people. I am sure there are many lessons here, and since it doesn't seem to stop, I guess I've not learned the lesson too well.

Maybe this all leads back to the book I'm working on - "What On Earth Is Going On?" So I just muse today with questions long asked and not well answered over history.

As my dear, dear friend in Russia says so often, "Life Continues."

Oh God, open my eyes to see what I am to do. Open my ears to fully hear Your Guidance. Open my heart to love as You call me to love. I am here; I am willing; lead me Lord. What on earth IS going on?

My Spirituality is Quiet

My relationship with God, with Christ is a quiet, personal, intimate, precious, treasured relationship. Our communion together informs my life, leads me, guides me. focuses me. If you watch how I live, the choices I make, the way I treat others, how I spend my time, what I read, etc., hopefully you can see the visible part of my relationship with God. But you cannot see my relationship. It cannot fit it into words. It is in a deep secret place in the temple at the center of my being. It is not for PR. It is the richness of oneness that is far too precious, treasured & intimate to be cast about willy nilly.

I am suspect of those who loudly speak their faith, especially those who think they are the only ones who are right. The show of faith, the theatrics, they ring false.

Jesus said to go into the closet to pray & didn't much care for the hypocrites who publicly & with fanfare did their prayers.

There is a humility in knowing & living from the deep well of actual communion. It is not to be shouted & pridefully displayed; it is not of or for ego. It is to be quietly lived, the example being an irresistible magnet to others who are drawn to the light & joy & love & kindness emanating from a heart actually attuned to God.

It is not furthered by entertainment with drums & guitar, but is rather pushed down by the loud, spectacular, entertainment based "churches." It is not the outer dance at all. It is quietly living & being one with God. It is Brother Lawrence, the humble brother whose enlightened life drew people to him from far & wide. It is Jacob Boehme,the cobbler who knew God & great princes came from all over to sit & listen to him. It is Hildegard von Bingen whose deep communion with God drew so many to her & draws us today as we read her words or hear her music. Those who hear & see & experience Reality, are humble. They do not seek power, fame or wealth of the world. They do not feed the ego. The simply live as they are guided. Maybe there is some such one unnoticed nearby. Maybe there is such a one inside of you, waiting to be set free.

Lord, I turn to You this moment. Show me the way to simply be with You, learn from You & live as You would have me live. I cast aside the ego & seek the genuine. I choose to be a spiritual adult, not needing distracting entertainment, only needing You. Help me live more quietly and humbly. Help me live kindly, lovingly. I ask this in Your name. Amen

Life Lessons from an Ole Grandma, Me

I feel led to share some ole grandma thoughts - some things I've learned over 72 years here on earth & I wish I'd known earlier. Maybe I can save you some detours.

• Jesus said that it is not what we put into our mouths (what we eat) the defiles us, it is what comes out (our words). One of the keys to a successful, fulfilling life is kindness. Speak kindly, act kindly, never do harm or hurt on purpose. My daddy said often "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Confucius said we would do well to act as the gracious host or hostess at all times.
• Everyone, yes everyone, is our teacher. Each comes into our lives so that we may learn something and become more awake, more spiritual, more what we are intended to be. 
• Observe rather than get emotional as much as possible. Once upset takes over, someone else is in control of you. The task is to stay in control of yourself.
• You are sort of an extra in the story of other people's lives and they are the star of their lives. Usually whatever is going on with them, it's not about you.
• People often get hurt because they say they trusted the other person who let them down. What most people mean is they expect other people to act, think and be like they do. Instead it is wise to just watch people and their patterns and trust they will be them. For example, if someone is always late, you can expect/trust they are likely to be late. It is useless and silly to take their patterns personally. This goes back to observe. Everyone has one or two major patterns and several secondary patterns. Observe what these are and expect/trust that is how they will be. It takes a huge amount of desire and effort to change a pattern, and for sure you cannot change some else's. 
• Which leads to this, do all the healing, thinking, praying you need to be the best person you can be. You are the one person you are in charge of, responsible for and ultimately accountable for.
• Love is the key. Jesus told us to love our neighbors (everyone) as ourselves (must love oneself) and to love God are the key to it all. Develop a loving attitude and way and you will find great happiness.
• But do know that as they say, "into each life some rain will fall." There will be challenges. It is a sort of soul school here. Observe and respond from the highest place within you. Don't let it all control you. 

I love you tons and tons and wish for you a marvelous life. But in the end, it really is up to you. Please think on the things I've shared.

It's A New Day

Yes, it's a new day. I awoke with some sense of release, relief and renewal.


I am ready to move on.


My turning point has been coaxed by a diverticulitis attack. I think it was partially brought on by the grieving I've been doing for almost 2 years. I am ready to let go and move on. Or maybe today I could say it feels more like the whole thing released itself. 


Some of my new day thoughts include:

• There are some things in life over which we have no control. Other people go off on their own tangential journeys. I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. I am doing well to learn my own lessons.
• In this case, one of the lessons of my life is that others do not have the right to abuse me. It was the norm for a long time. I just quietly went inside and dealt with it, for it was the way of life was for me. It is no longer my way of life. I withdraw permission from abusers to abuse me. All who have done so are jettisoned away from my life. I don't have to fight them, argue with them, convince them otherwise or allow them. They do not belong in my life any longer.
• The main person who has been in my life for a long period of time who has never abused me is my sweet husband. He is a great gift to me. He shows me so much.
• My peace of mind, my peace of life, my spiritual journey is not to be derailed by someone's off the rails choices.
• It is not appropriate to put off the rest of my life waiting for the return of others who are not coming, and if who did return, would bring more abuse. The healing required for abuse to be gone from their behaviors may take more than this lifetime. Sadly, some are filled with cruelty, paranoia, and anger. It is up to them and God and not to me to deal with that.
• Today has never before been lived. I will do my best to live it well. I will recall my "theme song" for my spiritual travels - Isaiah & the song "here I am Lord..."
• So:  Here am I, Lord. Is it I, Lord? 
  I have heard you calling in the night. 
  I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. 

The Change in Education from Then to Now

What it took to get an education in 1895

This is a final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, Kansas, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

Final Exam: Salina , KS - 1895 probably for a teacher applicant, who most likely had "only" an 8th grade education.

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find the bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'U.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

No, I don't have all the answers! And I don't think I ever did!

A hypothesis I have is that this is what education looked like before the legislatures and unions took it over.

Have fun with this...pass it on so we're not the only ones who feel stupid!!!

Precious Memories

Sitting at the national day of prayer event this morning, thoughts of events in my lifetime came to mind. Sometimes I bring thoughts on purpose, and sometimes they waft up seemingly on their own accord.

Some of the memories are like pearls. They are shiny, smooth and lovely. I roll them around in my heart and mind as precious treasures. Some are like broken shards of glass. They cut again, just as they once did. Some have their sharp edges worn off by countless prayers and much forgiveness work.

A persistent shard that stabs at me without mercy is a certain estrangement for which I am speechless and in total confusion as to why. I pray that this beloved person will one day actually discover who I am and lay down their strange beliefs about me and cleanse their heart of darkness. It is such an amazing thing to have someone I love have a point of view of me that is 180' from my understanding of myself and that of everyone else I know. I picture that aha moment sometimes, but I am sad for all the times of pearl memories that have been and are being lost forever. I pray this person actually comes to a relationship with Christ and lets go of the cruel version of Christ that rules his delusion. I weep for the angry pain in his heart and pray for Christ to enter there and bring peace and light.

The memories of my life are a sort of private album to look through, ponder and learn from and treasure. No one can fully enter there with me, save God. I am reminded that all I really have though is this now moment. I can look back - did I learn this lesson; is that person okay; have I fully forgiven; etc. etc. etc? But this is the moment I have to live.

So I need to ask myself - am I doing the best I can in the here and now? Am I living in God's Light to the best of my ability? Am I listening and following Guidance? If I were to leave earth today, would I hear "well done good and faithful servant?" I do hope so. I have striven my entire life to do and be the best I can, to model God's Love by the way I live my life, to pick myself up when I fall and to turn again to God.

Thank You, God for being with me always, in the dark twists and turns of the valleys and golden lit mountain tops. I rejoice to know You!

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been busy, sure. But then I'm always busy. I've been a bit depressed, so much seems out of control. I go to my quiet and meditative spot, my sewing room. That's where I've gone since I was little. Sewing is healing, therapeutic, creative, etc. It is soothing to make something lovely. I've been sewing a lot lately.


I wrestle daily with the bizarre turn of events with my son. I cannot grasp why. I cannot seem to be able to understand. I am left with grief. I hear whispers - it's for your protection from further hurt, he has to work out his own rage and confusion, the grandchildren will return one day.... The pain continues.


Our financial life is bizarre too. I cannot grasp why regarding the slowness, the circuitousness - our own finances seem to stand still or go in circles. I've never experienced anything like it.


Our nation seems to have gone crazy. 16 trillion is bandied about like it is pocket change. Mud slinging is the norm rather than thoughtful dialogue. Solutions seem like foreign entities pushed aside for schoolyard like bickering and name calling.


I guess I'll be sewing a lot for awhile. I'll try to get back here more often though. Maybe between projects I'll come back to touch bases. I guess it's most important because there is a part of me that thinks one day maybe my grandchildren will find me via the internet. Maybe they can get to know me a bit from this blog and my website, even if when they find me I've gone on to the next life. I had hoped for more direct impact on their lives, but I have no power to find them and be with them. I had hoped to teach them to sew and draw and write and love God and everyone as children of God. I had thought that the things I have learned over decades of living and learning could touch them and lift them and maybe save them some dead ends. I had hoped my hugs would fill them with love. I had hoped my humor and creativity would inspire them. I can only hope the time I had with them in the past watered and nurtured some seeds. As Meister Eckhart said - the seed of God is in you. Wherever you are dear ones, I love you and miss you more than ever you can know.