Still I wrestle with my falling back of last week. During the night I began to think of the fight or flight response of our lower limbic brain. I realized that somehow or other I had experienced both last week.
Trying to unravel my distorted week is painful, fascinating, instructive, embarrassing, humbling, & hopefully eventually helpful. Maybe my downward journey & recovery will be of help also to someone reading this little blog.
Surveying the week, I see my first moment of going toward the darkness rather than the Light. I have known for a long time about how to protect myself from the darkness, but I forgot to do it. I took into myself the fight responses of several someone elses so that they became mine. From then on until sanity began to be restored, righteous indignation took over. For all of my experience, writing, seminars & talk of nonjudgementalness & forgiveness, I was not there for a few days in my life experience. You cannot even imagine how hard it is for me to see this in myself & to admit it. But if I am truly sincere about the spiritual journey, I have to face myself not only in exemplary times.
The first step out of the fight mindset, surprised me, for it was flight. As I dimly began to become aware of how I had gone off course, embarrassment overcame me & I had the most profound impulse to flee, go away, hide from it all. This really surprised me. I thought we had built into us a fight OR flight program that took over when the rational mind faltered. But I was finding myself having to use all of my energy to fight flight. I knew going away would not be a solution, but I found myself powerfully drawn to run.
As I began to rebalance, I remembered something I have known for decades, consciousness is contagious. This is fine when "catching" goodness & light, but ugly when "catching" the other side. I cannot live in a cave in order to stay on the path, although some have tried that. But even then, as Plato told us, shadows can frighten & control us.
So I have only partial solutions as of this moment. I have to fearlessly examine myself. I have to so to speak "eat humble pie," I have to pick myself up & brush myself off & go on. I have to not allow myself to "catch" what I do not want to incorporate into my very being.
My upset was born of several convergences that I allowed to overwhelm me. One came from concerns re: my children; one from the current events that swirled around me last week; & one from relationships.
I was already on the ledge mentally with deepest concerns re: revelations about a number of high level advisers in our government who have extreme views & apparently extreme goals. I value our freedoms & our way of life so dearly, even more dearly perhaps from knowing things from my travels. Even though we are far from perfect, we are basically good & free. Even though we can always get better, we should not destroy the goodness we have achieved. I was also feeling powerless over it all. Then my children had some rather major challenges. Again I felt powerless. Of course, I prayed, but somehow that didn't seem enough. Into this along came some extreme upset from someone else. I went over the edge.
Now all of this is not in the way of an excuse. It is rather an analysis of what happened in an attempt to not let it happen again. I realize I must be alert to not let myself go into overwhelm, as I am more vulnerable there. I realize I must keep God's Light in my awareness much more fully. I realize that reaching out before going over the edge might be able to stop the fall.
It worked the other way around for me. Instead of me reaching out before the meltdown, someone dear to me reached out to me yesterday, after the meltdown, & helped me take a stronger step back into being in balance. The gift of sharing with me what I did not know, was a great treasure to me & I shall be forever grateful.
God, reveal to me all of the lessons You have for me in this moment of my life's journey. Help me see clearly. Help me be the person you had in mind when You created me. Wash away the darkness & help me return to full communion with you. I come before You needing & asking for Your healing touch. I know You hear our prayers always, I give mine to You for Your perfect action.