From old home movies, I see a happy, exuberant little Marlene as a toddler and a little beyond. Then I see a carefulness set in. One of my survival techniques became to not be fully present so as to avoid some of the extreme pain inflicted upon me. And it seems to me that part of my journey of awakening requires me to eventually fight my way out of the "paper bag" I had created to help me keep the distance I seemed to need to survive. I got fairly skilled at just going away mentally while it all went on.
I can see clearly, with 20/20 hindsight, that some of the horribleness seemed to be dulled by looking at life through a protective distance. As I began to touch spirituality, not religiosity, the protection had to go, at first little by little. I think of Paul talking about seeing as a child and now clearly or about looking through the glass darkly and then face to face.
So, I thank that "paper bag" that helped me get to the place where I could truly delve into a deep spirituality. I can see it was a stage that had a purpose. It began to fall away in the late 60's and continues to fade into the category of what once was, but is no more.
Now I seek as full of spiritual understanding as is humanly possible. Now I wish to look into the eyes of others and see them fully. Now I wish to communicate fully and honestly. Now I embrace my life and those in it.
We all go through stages as we walk the journey of awakening and dodge and twist and turn from the hurling of opposition along the way. No journey is without the slings and arrows of life experiences. We can take them as teachers, learn from them and continue on our way. Our goal is forever full awareness of Oneness with God and life filled with and shining forth The Light and The Love of the Divine.
Oh my beloved One, lead me onward to You. Help me ignore the distractions of this world and stay focused upon You and what You call me to do and be.