Life has many moments we experience as disappointments. It seems to me, this happens because we have expectations, but some other thing happens. In the end, we set ourselves up, but it can be difficult to own up to our part of the dramas in life.
I had several disappointments this week. First I was reading merrily along in Thomas Merton's book, that I've mentioned in the last couple of entries, enjoying words and ideas primarily about contemplation. Then I hit a brick wall of his very Catholic ideology. He told of how very important dogma and theology are, not understanding the chains they usually bring to hearts and minds. He spent a chapter telling us that we should give all of riches away. All I could see was my tour of the Vatican and the astounding riches there plus the historical knowledge of how it got there. They could feed the world if they sold half of the possessions stored there, not to mention riches they own or control all over the world. And on and on, until I closed the book and put it away. I am extremely allergic to hypocrisy. I'm not opposed to riches, just to those who have them and intend to keep them, and then tell me to give mine away so I can have enlightenment.
Secondly, we have received hundreds of promises from very important people over quite a long period of time that tomorrow all will be restored. But the proverbial tomorrow never comes.
This morning I saw a pattern that somehow needs to be broken. My mother had a habit of taking my things without warning, and I'd never see them again - my box of comic books, my violin, my car, etc. Not only disappointing, but many things from powerlessness to sorrow. Now some amorphous groups (not certain of all of the details) have taken my funds without warning. Unlike my mother, they issue promises of restoration and compensation, which so far are always tomorrow or next Monday. I see a similar pattern.
So my questions to myself are - What in me needs to be healed to break and end this pattern? What is the lesson I need to learn? What do I need to do in order to receive the restoration and compensation? Do I need to take some further action, or trust and release?
Lord, I seek guidance. I seek Your way to address the small and large disappointments in life. Cleanse me of darkness so that my heart, mind and body may live in Your Light. Show me Your Way.